Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 11, Issue 6

[Gail Holmes (gailholmes]

Matt, your note interests me as it a familiar experience.
One program that has been VERY helpful for in understanding negativity and
working with it is Non Violent Communication developed by Marshall
Rosenberg. (to name an ³expert²)

Check out CNVC.com

Gail Holmes
Cobb Hill Cohousing

³All judgment or criticism is a tragic expression of an unmet need.²  M.R.>
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> 
> Message: 3
> Date: Sat, 4 Dec 2004 16:00:37 -0600 (CST)
> From: Matt Lawrence <matt [at] technoronin.com>
> Subject: [C-L]_ The politics of cohousing
> To: Developing cohousing - collaborative housing communities
> <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
> Message-ID: <Pine.LNX.4.61.0412041445570.29053 [at] oberon.technoronin.com>
> Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII; format=flowed
> 
> These are some thoughts and observations on my experiences trying to get
> involved with cohousing.
> 
> I've been interested in architecture for a large part of my life,
> particulary the interelationship of people with spaces.  Being a lifelong
> SF fan as well, I ran into the concept of arcologies and the work of Paolo
> Soleri early on.  I also grew up during the 60s & 70s where "communes"
> were a big thing.  Since then, I've heard and read about a number of
> intentional communities, which are a cool idea, but not really how I want
> to live my life.  About ten years ago, I ran into the idea of cohousing
> and realized that it was probably the correct blend of community and
> privacy for me.
> 
> Since then, I've attended some classes given by Chuck Durrett and I've
> visited several existing and forming communities.  The one that had
> probably the most impact on me was the meeting I attended in Aukland
> (thanks, Julia).  I also met Joani Blank and she is definitely on my top
> ten list of all time cool people.
> 
> So where am I going with this?  Well, I've come to the realization that I
> already know a lot more of the questions and some of the answers that
> apply to me personally.  This has been a big disadvantage when dealing
> with newly forming groups, it takes time for people to realize many of the
> issues and to formulate their own answers.  Being a rotten politician,
> more than once I have offended a group by saying "well, according to the
> experts..."  I know that the experts (Chuck Durrett, Rob Sandelin, etc.)
> are not _always_ right, but in the absence of a very convincing coumter
> argument, that's who I'm going to follow.
> 
> Four years ago, I became involved with a group.  It was a learning
> experience, and not a particularly positive one.  I was definitely an
> outsider.
> 
> I got off to a bad start when I objected to their desire to do
> _everything_ via concensus.  While they do have some very valid points,
> the experts strongly recommend a backup mechanism for when concensus can't
> be reached.  Probably the strongest point for having a backup mechanism is
> the unfortunate necessity that most groups will have for dealing with
> financial institutions.  This really offended a number of folks.
> 
> The there was the family that insisted that they had to have their unit
> for $80K.  Well, I worked the numbers forward to get the total project
> cost, then worked them backwards to get the estimated land cost an then
> pointed out that they probably had unreasonable expectations.  This caused
> me to be labelled as "too negative".  A couple of years later I noticed
> that they finally figured out what construction costs were liable to be
> and that they really couldn't get what they were asking for at the price
> they wanted.
> 
> I made the mistake of mentioning that I found the small children present
> to be a bit disruptive over the course of a long meeting and that perhaps
> some thought should be given to some sort of childcare.  I made a point to
> explain that I wasn't trying to exclude the children from the meeting, I
> just wanted to give them something more interesting to do when they got
> bored of the meetings.  There are lots of examples in the list archives.
> My attitude really upset a number of folks.  Oddly enough, a couple of
> years later they started providing childcare.
> 
> When I joined, the stated goal was to build in one particular part of
> town.  When that fell through, they started looking for land that was much
> further south than I found acceptable.  When I pointer this out, the
> answer was "everybody else likes the idea".  When I tried to suggest other
> pieces of land that I found much more acceptable, I was very rudely beat
> down by a couple of members.  I think they are still looking.
> 
> I just recently noticed that they have now realized that there may be an
> issue with differing income levels and the common facilites or amenities
> that could be available.  I pointed out this issue four years ago, but, as
> always, I was wrong.
> 
> I grew up in a subculture that is often in conflict with mainstream
> American society.  I am much more interested in having the right answer at
> the end of a discussion or meeting than I am with having it at the
> beginning.  If I'm wrong about something, which isn't that unusual, I want
> to know what and why.  This can be a major problem when applied to people
> or groups that don't think that way, a challenge to an idea is percieved
> as being a challenge to the person expressing it.  When a number of people
> are engaged in some sort of "groupthink", this can be taken as an attempt
> to tear down or destroy the group.  Not my intention, but as I said
> before, I'm a terrible politician.  Being right is often the worst thing
> to do in many organizations.
> 
> So, what do y'all think?
> 
> -- Matt
> It's not what I know that counts, it's what I can remember in time to use.
> 
> 
> 
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