Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Emotional Expression versus Aggression at Meetings - how to tell the difference?

[Elizabeth Magill (pastorlizm]

We have *emotions are ok, aggression is not* as one of our ground rules.

The reality is that people hear things in many ways. A common challenge is when 
someone says "that idea is crazy" (ridiculous, not well thought out, etc.). For 
some people that is an attack on their person. For others it is clearly a 
discussion of ideas.

But even non-violent communication can be used poorly. "I feel angry when you 
criticize my idea so I want you to just try it and not be so negative..."
is probably completely true, but can be said just as aggressively as *stop 
that*.

In our community I would like to get to the place that someone can say--"that 
felt aggressive to me" rather than relying on the facilitators to know if 
someone else felt hurt.

As far as raising voices--I'm probably one of the worst culprits in our 
community for that. I get very passionate. I use all the right words (ok, 
probably not ALL the right words) but I say them so strongly that others feel 
like they can't speak, or that they have to calm me rather than speak to the 
issue. Its quite frustrating to have people respond to that as if it were 
aggression rather than passion.

-Liz
(The Rev.) Elizabeth M. Magill
www.ecclesiaministriesmission.org
www.mosaic-commons.org
508-450-0431




On May 5, 2016, at 8:58 AM, Joanie Connors <jvcphd [at] gmail.com> wrote:

> 
> In addition to the above, verbal aggression is personal. It tries to harm
> someone's self-esteem or deprive them of good standing in the group. It's a
> put-down that often uses pejorative labels ("stupid", "ignorant",
> "corrupt").
> 
> Emotional expression focuses on the issues. It may speak to the impact on
> people, on how they feel or would feel, but it never attacks other speakers.
> 
> Aggression also tends to use loud volume (yelling) and an acid or sarcastic
> tone, which seem to heighten the negative effects.
> 
> In this election year, I'm finding many occasions to caution friends about
> their tone, volume and language! I'll be glad when it's over!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> On Mon, May 2, 2016 at 1:19 PM, Igor Cerny/USA/MD/21791/LVC via Cohousing-L
> <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
> 
>> 
>> We having a list of suggestions in our Common House regarding meeting
>> conduct.  One of the suggestions is "emotional expression is OK but
>> aggression is not."  However, we often debate where the line of demarcation
>> is between these two. Have any communities or individuals tackled this
>> issue and come up with any specific or even general guidelines that they
>> could share?  Thanks in advance for any comments on this topic.
>> 
>> 
>> Igor Cerny
>> _