Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: decision-making is hard

[Ann Lehman (ann]

Ditto Great summary Sharon!

Ann Lehman
Principal
Zimmerman Lehman
forging futures for nonprofits
https://zimmerman-lehman.com/
510.755.5701

Yoga Teacher
Slow Yoga 4 Savvy Bodies
https://zimmerman-lehman.com/slowyoga.htm

Board Member 
CoHousing Association of U.S.
https://www.cohousing.org/

Please ignore typos sent from phone



> On Jan 29, 2021, at 6:08 PM, Denise Tennen <denisetennen [at] 
> centurylink.net> wrote:
> 
> Sharon
> 
> As someone who has lived at my cohousing community in MN since Feb 1996, I 
> love all that you wrote about decision making in cohousing, including your 
> summation that it becomes easier when we accept that it is hard.
> 
> thanks for this!
> 
> Denise
> 
>> On Jan 27, 2021, at 5:16 AM, cohousing-l-request [at] cohousing.org wrote:
>> 
>> Send Cohousing-L mailing list submissions to
>>    cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
>> 
>> To subscribe or unsubscribe via the World Wide Web, visit
>>    https://lists.cohousing.org/mailman/listinfo/cohousing-l
>> or, via email, send a message with subject or body 'help' to
>>    cohousing-l-request [at] cohousing.org
>> 
>> You can reach the person managing the list at
>>    cohousing-l-owner [at] cohousing.org
>> 
>> When replying, please edit your Subject line so it is more specific
>> than "Re: Contents of Cohousing-L digest..."
>> 
>> 
>> Today's Topics:
>> 
>>  1. Re: Is consensus holding back the cohousing movement?
>>     (Sharon Villines)
>> 
>> 
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> 
>> Message: 1
>> Date: Tue, 26 Jan 2021 14:57:10 -0500
>> From: Sharon Villines <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com>
>> To: Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
>> Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Is consensus holding back the cohousing movement?
>> Message-ID: <CF3243CC-7ECD-4E60-AD22-2AA8CD803360 [at] sharonvillines.com>
>> Content-Type: text/plain;    charset=utf-8
>> 
>> I hesitated to weigh in on this on top of Anna (who lives 2 doors away and 
>> notices everyday if I?m watching TV or not). But waiting has also clarified 
>> some issues that I think we need to cross-stitch on a pillow with some roses 
>> and thorns:
>> 
>> 1. Decision-making is hard regardless of the decision-making method. 
>> 
>> What is easier in both the short and long term than consensus? Is community 
>> enriched with autocratic decision-making? Or majority vote. Or management 
>> company decisions? Or political tradeoffs.
>> 
>> 2. Making decisions that affect everyone individually is hard. 
>> 
>> A team is not making decisions about planting trees for themselves. They are 
>> making decisions for many people as individuals. And no one hired you to do 
>> it ?? you have no professional training in placing and planting trees.
>> 
>> 3. Communications are hard.
>> 
>> In the process of investigation and study, information is lost. Preferences 
>> gathered in October are forgotten by January. Options have changed by the 
>> time the order is placed. People have different mental images of expected 
>> results. A feature that is very important to some is not even noticed by 
>> others. Without communication, these expectations cause conflict.
>> 
>> 4. Having patience is hard.
>> 
>> A decision that you see as clearcut, a no brainer, is new to others and they 
>> need to sit with it. It may seem more efficient to set time limits on 
>> discussion, but that may discourage some people from getting involved at 
>> all. And some of those people will nurse grievances that build up and affect 
>> their comfort in the community.
>> 
>> 5. Decisions that affect us physically and emotionally are hard.
>> 
>> Cohousing is where we live. Our soul is invested. Can we live with 
>> appliances made in Germany? Which religious practices are comfortable for us 
>> in the CH? Do we value casual or formal? Do we need better air in the CH? 
>> Sometimes these are decisions made for health or ethical reasons, but they 
>> are also decisions about things that affect us physically and emotionally at 
>> a barely conscious level. 
>> 
>> 6. Decisions that place limits on our future are hard. 
>> 
>> If we plant trees outside the kitchen window will we be sorry next winter 
>> when there is no light or next summer when the birds are roosting and 
>> pooping on the glider? If we give up the hot tub, will we really build that 
>> darkroom? If we give up parking spaces, will it be a problem in the future?
>> 
>> 7. Decisions that require sacrifices to our ethical beliefs are hard.
>> 
>> Engaging and trying to change ourselves and the world is hard. It?s swimming 
>> upstream everyday. How far can we go on shopping locally? Or organic? Can we 
>> avoid shopping at a store that treats employees unfairly? Is that even the 
>> best way to change the store? Is the effect of using wool the same for 
>> animal welfare as using leather? 
>> 
>> 8. Decisions that require spending large amounts of money are hard.
>> 
>> Cohousing is designed to facilitate and encourage community living but is 
>> also a significant real estate investment. We become managers of 
>> multi-million dollar buildings that require spending tens of thousands of 
>> dollars to maintain. Actively consenting to spend $500,000 on solar panels 
>> even with all their promise is still hard.
>> 
>> 9. Decisions that must harmonize multiple socio-economic, ethnic, and 
>> cultural differences are hard.
>> 
>> We want diversity but then we want consensus. In addition to behavioral 
>> expectations, cultural expectations often require spending money and time on 
>> things that have little value to us personally. Avoiding discrimination 
>> against or in favor of one group or the other according to age, gender, 
>> socio-economic class, education levels, etc., requires a depth of 
>> consideration that few of us have done on a daily, moment to moment basis.
>> 
>> ?????
>> 
>> Some people are not in a place in their lives that allows them to accept all 
>> these Hards. They are too stressed physically or mentally to cope with them 
>> or too happy without them. They have nuclear families or long-term 
>> friendships are as satisfying as they need. Or ill parents who require as 
>> much energy for others as they have ? right now.
>> 
>> None of these Hards are likely to be easier by adding more process, or 
>> training, or setting time or discussion limits. Some can be more easily made 
>> using another decision-making method or additional training but it is still 
>> a matter of degree.
>> 
>> Some decisions are made more appropriately by different methods. Majority 
>> vote for choosing dates when most people can be in town. Ranked choice 
>> voting for choosing the strongest preference between 6 alternatives. 
>> Solidarity for actions that might put the community legal or economic at 
>> risk. 
>> 
>> Group decisions become easier as community members gain understanding and 
>> build trust, but there are always new community members with new opinions, 
>> needs, customs, expectations, etc. It is not unusual for someone to join a 
>> community with ideas of fixing it.
>> 
>> Basically, decision-making becomes easier when we accept that it is hard. 
>> And hard for good reason, not because we are inexperienced, afraid of 
>> conflict, have psychological problems, are too dominant or too passive, or 
>> are social failures. Decisions are easier when we don?t make judgments about 
>> why or how people disagree with us.
>> 
>> Sharon
>> ----
>> Sharon Villines, Washington DC
>> "Reality is something you rise above." Liza Minnelli
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> ------------------------------
>> 
>> Subject: Digest Footer
>> 
>> _________________________________________________________________
>> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at:
>> http://L.cohousing.org/info
>> 
>> 
>> ------------------------------
>> 
>> End of Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 204, Issue 34
>> ********************************************
> 
> _________________________________________________________________
> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at:
> http://L.cohousing.org/info
> 
> 
>