Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: dealing with difficult conversations

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> On Sep 13, 2022, at 5:05 PM, Fiona Frank <fionafrank [at] gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> Hi all, a request from Lancaster Cohousing
> How do you-all deal with 'difficult conversations'?  We tried to engage a
> facilitator to help us to think about these things but they've gone off
> with long covid and we're a bit stuck.

I’m not a trained facilitator but I wrote the following tips based on an 
opinion piece in the NYTimes. One thing to remember is that conflict is good — 
it means people are engaged. People who could care less don’t argue. They go 
away.

The other tip is use rounds and rounds and rounds. It’s important to be clear 
on what the facts are. If you don’t agree on the facts or agree on what to 
disagree on resolution is pretty hopeless. The thing rounds can do that nothing 
else can is to balance teh power in the room. It slows everything down and asks 
each person for their opinion/druthers/advice/interpretation or whatever.

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The NYTimes has an apt opinion piece today on how to argue well that recaps 
some of the principles taught in high school debating forums. Since we are 
emerging from the pandemic to confront many issues that have been moldering for 
years and years, I found them helpful in getting out of bed this morning. I 
thought others might too.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/09/11/opinion/polarization-debate.html

1. Today, we’re not arguing well and we are not arguing enough. Allowing a 
diversity of people to speak is unprecedented and noble but not if it causes us 
to avoid difficult conversations.

2. If the issue is one person dominating, a private discussion might be 
effective. But if the issue affects a whole group, the private conversation 
could mean avoiding the issue.

3. Polarization or divisiveness isn’t so much that we disagree but rather that 
“we disagree badly” forgetting reason, logic, respect, and empathy.

4. Engaging with an argument is a vote of confidence that the other person is 
deserving of our candor and that they will receive it with grace.

5. To begin, define the thing that you would like someone else to understand. 
What are you arguing for?

6. Then add the word “because” and give your reasoning and evidence.

7. For an argument to go well, it must be real, important, and specific. If the 
disagreement is about the use of the dishwasher, don’t let it become a 
referendum on consensus.

8. Showing how someone else is wrong isn’t the same thing as being correct 
yourself. “No amount of no is going to get you to yes,” 

9. Examine whether you are trying not to persuade but to silence or marginalize 
others.

10. Arguments don't end with winners and losers, they end with clarification, 
illumination, and workable solutions.

In his book, “Good Arguments: How Debate Teaches Us to Listen and Be Heard,” 
Seo says what we need is to disagree more but to do so constructively.

————

Sharon
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Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org