Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: dealing with difficult conversations

[Kathleen Lowry (kathleenlowrylpcclmft]

Sharon, Great list thanks! Your comment about agreeing on the facts! Yes so 
important. So hard to know the facts when  talking about things like “ what’s 
best for our kids!” 

> On Sep 13, 2022, at 6:06 PM, Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l 
> [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
> 
> 
>> 
>> On Sep 13, 2022, at 5:05 PM, Fiona Frank <fionafrank [at] gmail.com> wrote:
>> 
>> Hi all, a request from Lancaster Cohousing
>> How do you-all deal with 'difficult conversations'?  We tried to engage a
>> facilitator to help us to think about these things but they've gone off
>> with long covid and we're a bit stuck.
> 
> I’m not a trained facilitator but I wrote the following tips based on an 
> opinion piece in the NYTimes. One thing to remember is that conflict is good 
> — it means people are engaged. People who could care less don’t argue. They 
> go away.
> 
> The other tip is use rounds and rounds and rounds. It’s important to be clear 
> on what the facts are. If you don’t agree on the facts or agree on what to 
> disagree on resolution is pretty hopeless. The thing rounds can do that 
> nothing else can is to balance teh power in the room. It slows everything 
> down and asks each person for their opinion/druthers/advice/interpretation or 
> whatever.
> 
> ---------
> 
> The NYTimes has an apt opinion piece today on how to argue well that recaps 
> some of the principles taught in high school debating forums. Since we are 
> emerging from the pandemic to confront many issues that have been moldering 
> for years and years, I found them helpful in getting out of bed this morning. 
> I thought others might too.
> 
> https://www.nytimes.com/2022/09/11/opinion/polarization-debate.html
> 
> 1. Today, we’re not arguing well and we are not arguing enough. Allowing a 
> diversity of people to speak is unprecedented and noble but not if it causes 
> us to avoid difficult conversations.
> 
> 2. If the issue is one person dominating, a private discussion might be 
> effective. But if the issue affects a whole group, the private conversation 
> could mean avoiding the issue.
> 
> 3. Polarization or divisiveness isn’t so much that we disagree but rather 
> that “we disagree badly” forgetting reason, logic, respect, and empathy.
> 
> 4. Engaging with an argument is a vote of confidence that the other person is 
> deserving of our candor and that they will receive it with grace.
> 
> 5. To begin, define the thing that you would like someone else to understand. 
> What are you arguing for?
> 
> 6. Then add the word “because” and give your reasoning and evidence.
> 
> 7. For an argument to go well, it must be real, important, and specific. If 
> the disagreement is about the use of the dishwasher, don’t let it become a 
> referendum on consensus.
> 
> 8. Showing how someone else is wrong isn’t the same thing as being correct 
> yourself. “No amount of no is going to get you to yes,” 
> 
> 9. Examine whether you are trying not to persuade but to silence or 
> marginalize others.
> 
> 10. Arguments don't end with winners and losers, they end with clarification, 
> illumination, and workable solutions.
> 
> In his book, “Good Arguments: How Debate Teaches Us to Listen and Be Heard,” 
> Seo says what we need is to disagree more but to do so constructively.
> 
> ————
> 
> Sharon
> ----
> Sharon Villines
> Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
> http://www.takomavillage.org
> 
> 
> 
> 
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