Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Experience with mediators?

[Claire Richards (clairerichardsrn]

Here at Winslow co-housing in the PNW, there was a really toxic conflict
that occurred. We ended up hiring the local dispute resolution center after
exploring other options. It was much more affordable. Many of the options
out there are very expensive and people in the community value these things
quite differently. The other piece to consider is that some people have
more conflicts and so other people may not want to pay for what they
perceive to be someone elses' dysfunction. We have many people who are
living on a fixed income and are disabled and so even though some of the
consulting services out there look very exciting, we can't afford them as a
community.
We found the dispute resolution center was helpful. For me personally, I
did not suddenly view the conflict differently, but the dispute resolution
center helped give everyone a voice. When everyone's voice had equal
weight, one couple at the center of the storm got frustrated and ended up
moving out. I know it's not what I had hoped for. I hoped that maybe we
could resolve it in such a way we'd all grow to understand each other, but
that wasn't how it worked out.
There has been another conflict but it was helpful to recognize when
something is a community issue versus an individual issue. Not everything
has to involve everyone. In this case, it's not clear it will ever get
resolved. In my perspective, mental health issues are at the center of it,
and that person has to own it, and they haven't shown they are capable of
it. There is ongoing work with the dispute resolution center... but
sometimes resolution isn't exactly what we hope for it to be.

On Wed, Jan 8, 2025 at 1:13 PM Sandi Goldie <coachsandi [at] gmail.com> wrote:

> Congratulations on breaking ground, Elizabeth!  And thanks for the idea of
> the heart-share circles--sounds like a great idea.
>
> As for finding someone to help with resolving conflicts between members, a
> go-to person for us Karen Gimnig, <https://www.karengimnig.net/services>
> who
> is an awesome consultant on a number of issues that come up in communities,
> including conflicts.  At River Song, we hired her early on because of her
> extensive experience with cohousing communities and many different methods
> of problem solving.  Now we're "on our own" two years in, and our Process
> Team is looking at ways we'll support growth in the community and resolve
> conflicts when they come up.  We'll be drawing on much we learned from
> Karen.
>
> All the best,
>
> Sandi
>
>
> Sandi Goldie
> Certified Co-Active Life Coach
>
> Cell:  206-697-9701
> Email coachsandi [at] gmail.com
> Website:  riversongcohousing.org
> regeneratebc.org
>
> Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change
> the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.
>
> --*Margaret Mead*
>
>
>
>
> On Tue, Jan 7, 2025 at 10:44 AM Elizabeth Rosenau <ejrosenau [at] gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
> > Hello,
> >
> > I’m a member of Compass Cohousing in Langley, British Columbia, Canada.
> > I’m pleased to share with you the exciting news that we broke ground
> > yesterday.  🎉🎉🎉
> >
> > We have many wonderful members with skill sets that have been so useful
> in
> > helping us get to this point.  Unfortunately two of these valued members
> > have struggled to get along and there are potential negative effects for
> > the community if the dynamic between them continues to play out as it
> has.
> >
> > I am wondering if other cohousing communities have had any experience
> > hiring mediators for one on one work.  If so, who did they hire and was
> the
> > experience a good one for all involved?  At Compass, we’ve identified a
> > preference for working with a mediator experienced in NVC mediation
> > techniques, but we would be open to working with anyone who comes highly
> > recommended.
> >
> > On a related note, we are beginning to explore the possibility of having
> > “heart share meetings”.  The idea is to have a space outside of our
> regular
> > business meetings where people can share how they’re feeling.  Does your
> > community have anything like this?  How does it work?  Has it been
> helpful
> > in increasing understanding and empathy between members?  Does it make
> your
> > business meetings more successful?
> >
> > Thanking you in advance for your responses.
> >
> > With warmth,
> >
> > Elizabeth Rosenau, Compass Cohousing.
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at:
> > http://L.cohousing.org/info
> >
> >
> >
> >
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