Cohousing-L Mailing List: Experience with mediators

[Melanie Mindlin (sassetta]

HI Elizabeth,
Congratulations on breaking ground.

I want to second the comment from Alan O’Hashi that while you remain an LLC is 
the only time you will really have control over who lives there. Once you start 
selling homes you are subject to fair housing law and other considerations. 

Not that you would want to actually kick anyone out, but this is the time to 
point out that some people are not well suited for living in a cooperative 
community where compromise, letting other people have their way and clearing 
conflicts with others are constant facts of life. Nobody wants to be called out 
in a group. This is a private conversation between individuals. Going to 
someone and telling them how you feel about their behavior, even if it wasn’t 
directed at you, is how we exert horizontal accountability in a nonhierarchical 
group.

We developed some quite difficult issues within our community about 10 years 
in. Professional mediators were used on several occasions. This did not turn 
out to be very helpful. For one thing, they really don’t understand the unique 
challenges of intentional communities where one can’t just withdraw and stop 
interacting with the other party. In addition, our conflicts generally have to 
do with personality and not with physical arrangements which can be decided or 
prescribed by a mediator. They are trained to mediate things like divorce 
arrangements, contractual disagreements, and so on, not people who rub each 
other the wrong way. 

If the individuals in conflict are willing to learn NVC and/or make changes in 
their behavior, then you have something to work with. I believe it is important 
to keep space in our thinking for the possibility of change. This doesn’t mean 
expecting the other person to change in order to meet our needs. It means that 
people do in fact change, and we shouldn’t assume that they won’t change in 
forming our opinions or approach to them.  Nor should we assume that we can’t 
change. I like to tell people that living in Cohousing was when I finally “grew 
up”. With the help of other people’s reflections, I finally saw the ways in 
which I was acting out. I had never really had to communicate clearly about my 
feelings and needs before, which means I had never really tried hard to 
understand them myself. Living in Cohousing has helped me learn how to both 
stand up for myself and to admit how my actions were impacting others.

We like to say that the most important thing about clearing conflict with 
others is the introspective work we do to prepare for the clearing. It can be 
very helpful to have someone skilled in NVC coach the person who is preparing a 
clearing. Coming to understand one’s own feelings, needs and judgments, 
identifying and letting go of assumptions about the other person, and thinking 
through what might constitute a reasonable request, lays the groundwork for 
coming to an acceptable resolution. 

Good luck with everything,
Melanie Mindlin
Ashland Cohousing



> On Jan 8, 2025, at 3:16 AM, cohousing-l-request [at] cohousing.org wrote:
> 
> Message: 1
> Date: Tue, 7 Jan 2025 10:44:00 -0800
> From: Elizabeth Rosenau <ejrosenau [at] gmail.com <mailto:ejrosenau [at] 
> gmail.com>>
> To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org <mailto:cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
> Subject: [C-L]_ Experience with mediators?
> Message-ID: <B7D5CF35-060B-4416-8EAC-355F3D177F1B [at] gmail.com 
> <mailto:B7D5CF35-060B-4416-8EAC-355F3D177F1B [at] gmail.com>>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=utf-8
> 
> Hello,
> 
> I?m a member of Compass Cohousing in Langley, British Columbia, Canada.  I?m 
> pleased to share with you the exciting news that we broke ground yesterday.  
> ???
> 
> We have many wonderful members with skill sets that have been so useful in 
> helping us get to this point.  Unfortunately two of these valued members have 
> struggled to get along and there are potential negative effects for the 
> community if the dynamic between them continues to play out as it has.
> 
> I am wondering if other cohousing communities have had any experience hiring 
> mediators for one on one work.  If so, who did they hire and was the 
> experience a good one for all involved?  At Compass, we?ve identified a 
> preference for working with a mediator experienced in NVC mediation 
> techniques, but we would be open to working with anyone who comes highly 
> recommended.
> 
> On a related note, we are beginning to explore the possibility of having 
> ?heart share meetings?.  The idea is to have a space outside of our regular 
> business meetings where people can share how they?re feeling.  Does your 
> community have anything like this?  How does it work?  Has it been helpful in 
> increasing understanding and empathy between members?  Does it make your 
> business meetings more successful?
> 
> Thanking you in advance for your responses.
> 
> With warmth,
> 
> Elizabeth Rosenau, Compass Cohousing.
>