Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Rites of passage for kids

[eva (eva]

Hi Alex,

I have done lots of rites of passage, but I'm not sure I have a response 
to your question that is ready for prime time.

The rites that I have organized have not necessarily been based on 
people who are living together in a cohousing community, but more of a 
larger tribe. It is always a commitment, however. It is a commitment by 
the adults, saying that I am now your friend, as a person, not just as 
an appendage of your parent. One young woman that we initiated came and 
lived with us for a year later in life, allowing us to step up to that 
commitment: we are here for you.

She also told me that in a university anthropology class she was the 
only one who could answer in the affirmative when the class was asked if 
anyone had been a part of a same-sex rite of passage. She was extremely 
proud of being in that category.

Having read (and taken lots of classes from) Malidoma Some fed into the 
design of our rites of passage. His book Of Water and the Spirit is the 
most important for this topic. He says he is often asked by people if he 
would initiate their sons. He has to tell them that would be 
meaningless. If the participants are not part of a community of people 
who know and love each other, making a life-long commitment to help each 
other, it will not carry any more weight than a paid-for weekend 
workshop. Those are lovely, but hardly community-building.

The important thing is for young people to be made to understand that 
they carry a gift for their community. They have some innate skill, 
ability, or presence that their community needs at this time. If 
everyone felt this keenly, I think a lot of problems we have would be 
more manageable.

We have often done rites of passage for young people by having the women 
take the young woman away for the weekend, to a cabin at the beach or in 
the mountains, somewhere removed where they can do things together and 
not be distracted. Likewise for a young man to be taken by the men of 
the tribe to a new location. We are now looking into doing this in a 
less binary gendered way, since that will not be appropriate for all 
young folks.

We generally ensure there are lots of activities that allow the wisdom 
of their elders to flow through the conversation, however that is 
structured. Often, it is around the four elements: a fire ritual where 
the young person must set the fire and start it, we cook over the fire, 
discuss passion and sex, roll condoms onto bananas, burn some offering 
of their youth that they are willing to leave behind (a toy they no 
longer want, or a peice of paper with an affirmation on it.) And so on 
through the elements. But whatever framework is used, it simply offers 
opportunities to discuss all the things that need to be discussed.

I am happy to chat more about this, but I'm not sure this is the 
direction you are thinking of going. Any energy we can put into young 
people feeling valued is worthwhile.

In community,

Eva

https://www.newtcrossing.org/

On 2025-05-13 12:31, Alex S wrote:

> Hello!
>
> Does anybody here have any rites of passage events established by your
> community for kids? If so, what are they and what is the experience 
> like?
> What have been the benefits and pitfalls for the kids, parents and
> community?
>
> Our community is considering starting a rite of passage that would give
> children unsupervised access to the common house. We might also 
> consider
> something like this for other milestones as kids become more capable,
> responsible and independent.
>
> Thanks in advance for any insights you can share!
>
> Alex
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