Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Rites of passage for kids

[Kevin Wolf (kevinjwolf]

Hi all,

N Street Cohousing started a rite of passage about 8 years or so after our
founded when the first community kid turned sixteen.  Just about every
community kid (~25) since then has gone through a similar ceremony. The
ceremony marked when adults stopped censoring themselves around them. They
became an adult member of our community after this event.

The core of the event involves.
* No parents involved in helping. They are spectators.. Kid picks 2-3
adults to be on their committee and help with the event.
* It never is a birthday party. It happens sometime afterwards, and
sometimes it has happened before the actual 16th birthday
* The kid chooses what to do. The third kid going through the rite chose to
make a wooden, larger than life size sculpture of himself and burn it. He
wanted people to write down their positive thoughts about him and send it
up in smoke to the sky. After that almost every kid has chosen to make a
burning boy or girl and have a variation of the theme. The rite includes
the kid making the sculpture with any needed training and advice given by
the committee.  There is always a stack of old wood somewhere around for
these events.
* The passage kid organizes and supervises the making of the event
community meal. It can be stressful though they do have the committee
members to help.
* All kids have made a speech before igniting the sculpture.  Even though
it is to a friendly audience, it isn't easy for all the kids to do.
* Almost no kid has wanted outsiders to participate. Just community members
* All the kids (except the first one) has seen the older kids go through
the rite. They know its coming. Some think about the design of their
sculpture well before the event.
* Sometimes there is something permanent that comes from the event. The
rose planted after the first rite 30 years ago is still growing. Some kids
have scrap books of photos of them in community events. It varies.

I hope our simple way of creating a right of passage inspires communities
to do something similar.  Every kid was happy to have gone through the
passage.  We adults love it too. It is an honor to be picked to be on the
committee and a lot of fun.

Kevin


On Mon, May 19, 2025 at 4:30 PM <eva [at] olympus.net> wrote:

> Hi Alex,
>
> I have done lots of rites of passage, but I'm not sure I have a response
> to your question that is ready for prime time.
>
> The rites that I have organized have not necessarily been based on
> people who are living together in a cohousing community, but more of a
> larger tribe. It is always a commitment, however. It is a commitment by
> the adults, saying that I am now your friend, as a person, not just as
> an appendage of your parent. One young woman that we initiated came and
> lived with us for a year later in life, allowing us to step up to that
> commitment: we are here for you.
>
> She also told me that in a university anthropology class she was the
> only one who could answer in the affirmative when the class was asked if
> anyone had been a part of a same-sex rite of passage. She was extremely
> proud of being in that category.
>
> Having read (and taken lots of classes from) Malidoma Some fed into the
> design of our rites of passage. His book Of Water and the Spirit is the
> most important for this topic. He says he is often asked by people if he
> would initiate their sons. He has to tell them that would be
> meaningless. If the participants are not part of a community of people
> who know and love each other, making a life-long commitment to help each
> other, it will not carry any more weight than a paid-for weekend
> workshop. Those are lovely, but hardly community-building.
>
> The important thing is for young people to be made to understand that
> they carry a gift for their community. They have some innate skill,
> ability, or presence that their community needs at this time. If
> everyone felt this keenly, I think a lot of problems we have would be
> more manageable.
>
> We have often done rites of passage for young people by having the women
> take the young woman away for the weekend, to a cabin at the beach or in
> the mountains, somewhere removed where they can do things together and
> not be distracted. Likewise for a young man to be taken by the men of
> the tribe to a new location. We are now looking into doing this in a
> less binary gendered way, since that will not be appropriate for all
> young folks.
>
> We generally ensure there are lots of activities that allow the wisdom
> of their elders to flow through the conversation, however that is
> structured. Often, it is around the four elements: a fire ritual where
> the young person must set the fire and start it, we cook over the fire,
> discuss passion and sex, roll condoms onto bananas, burn some offering
> of their youth that they are willing to leave behind (a toy they no
> longer want, or a peice of paper with an affirmation on it.) And so on
> through the elements. But whatever framework is used, it simply offers
> opportunities to discuss all the things that need to be discussed.
>
> I am happy to chat more about this, but I'm not sure this is the
> direction you are thinking of going. Any energy we can put into young
> people feeling valued is worthwhile.
>
> In community,
>
> Eva
>
> https://www.newtcrossing.org/
>
> On 2025-05-13 12:31, Alex S wrote:
>
> > Hello!
> >
> > Does anybody here have any rites of passage events established by your
> > community for kids? If so, what are they and what is the experience
> > like?
> > What have been the benefits and pitfalls for the kids, parents and
> > community?
> >
> > Our community is considering starting a rite of passage that would give
> > children unsupervised access to the common house. We might also
> > consider
> > something like this for other milestones as kids become more capable,
> > responsible and independent.
> >
> > Thanks in advance for any insights you can share!
> >
> > Alex
> > _________________________________________________________________
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