Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: Written rules: No cause to leave

[Rob Sandelin (robsan]

Gareth  posted about an uncomfortable situation reguarding her group 
and its legal documents.  She mentioned some people have left and that 
she is thinking of perhaps leaving as well.


I would like to give some global advise, based on my own experiences.  
When I first joined Sharingwood it was not very well organized and 
there was not a shred of evidence that it was or ever would be a kid 
friendly place.  I think now, four years later, most people would say 
Sharingwood is pretty well organized and is a pretty nice place for 
kids.  Obviously I can't claim credit for that change, however I did 
feel very empowered to make the changes I thought were needed, and 
working with others, we have made those changes, and continue to do so. 
 I didn't need to be a paid member to work on those changes.

The point I am trying to make, is that if its not working, don't leave, 
just don't sign on.  You can break your official contract as a group 
partner  because you feel that partnership contract is not working for 
you.  But still go to the meetings, still work on the issues.  Maybe 
later, a year from now, things will work out so you feel comfortable 
"signing on" again.  Don't burn your bridges if this is really where 
you want to live, just don't sign on.  If there is not some sort of 
associate member status, then propose one and become one.  This way you 
are not in the legal partnership but can still influence the group and 
maybe later be a member.

As an individual joining Sharingwood I sat down and evaluated what it 
was I really wanted, looked at my own skills in relation to the group 
and realized that I could really help these people get organized and 
could make room for kids on the agenda.  If you get to a place where 
you are thinking about walking away from a group, look inside at why.  
Conflict, bad communications, personality clashes happen, and are 
transitory - that is they are not, or shouldn't be permanent 
conditions.  All those things are fixable - eventually.  The key is to 
determine your personal commitment to fixing them in relation to the 
rest of the value of what you are trying to do.  Sharingwood had some 
ugly and unhappy meetings, and as a group we learned some important 
things from those conflicts.  I was going to walk away at one point 
because it all seemed so messed up.  Everyone else saw the mess also 
and after the heat had passed we looked at the mess and said, How can 
we clean this up?

I would encourage people if things don't go well not to give it all up. 
 If it becomes impossible, start your own group, join another, or 
change your relationship to the group in some way.  But don't give up 
the dream.  All the groups I know of have had some difficult times in 
the long journey to living together.  If there are too many rocks on 
the path, step off the path for awhile and take a rest.  When your feet 
heal you will be more careful about stubbing your toe and have a better 
energy to deal with the rocks.

Rob Sandelin
Sharingwood Cohousing.