Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Respectability & poly-whatever

[Rebecca Dawn Kaplan (rebecca]

Mike says:
Inside the community:  now, in the 1990's, with so many other aspects to
learn about living cooperatively, I'd tend to take fewer risks with elaborate
intimate relationships -- at least until the community is strong and
resilient.  For now, isn't it enough to nurture deep friendships with your
fellow community members?  Maybe learn to walk before becoming gymnists??

Sometime in the future (say, by 2050?) I'd bet that many communitarians/
cohousers might evolve to be polyamorous without guilt/jealousy and without
de-stabilizing the community.  (Even, then may hearts prevail over theories.)

This seems to be an Occam's Razor approach to deciding how to live
communally. Occam's Razor says, when faced with a number of explanations
for a phenomenon, and it is not clear what is the "right" one, 
pick the simplest one.  Mike's razor says, when faced with a number
of different ways to live and interact with other people, pick the 
simplest one.

Of course, as cohousing communities we often intentionally pick more
"complicated" or difficult ways of doing things, such as
consensus decisions-making, because we believe that they 
are *right*.  
But, that aside, why is traditional monogamist pairing the simplest
way?  Clearly, for those who are already doing it, stayinf
the way they are feels "simpler" than changing.  This also 
ignores the fact that a community does not have to ban polyamory
in order to allow those who prefer it to remain monogamous.  
A community does not have to choose one or the other as 
the official way of having relationships. Most polyamorous
people have no interest in any kind of mandatory community-wide
multi-person relationship, and most poly people are quite
used to being successfully polyamorous while still
having close friends who practice monogamy.  Having both in 
the community is not a problem.  Also, I should point out that
poly people are not people who have evolved away from 
the "jealousy gene" or any such nonsense, just as people
who oppose violence are not people who miraculously never
feel aggressive, they just choose not to act on it. So to, many
poly people do sometimes feel jealous, they just choose to 
respond to that feeling with something other than restricting
their partners' sexual activities. 

Anyway, pardon the digresssion. My question is, why assume that
monogamy is simpler?  I do think this is very important
to the notion of community building in general.  People usually
think that whatever they are used to is simpler.  I find being
a vegetarian quite easy, especially now that there are wonderful ads
out telling people who eat meat that they should wipe all counters
down with toxic anti-bacterial sprays after cutting raw meat 
on the counter.  But anyway, someone who was not familiar
with vegetarian cooking might find it more "difficult".  When 
developing a cohousing community, if everyone comes in thinking
"we should do whatever is simplest", that won't necessarily
lead to common agreement on what should be done.  Monogamy 
requires very clear lines and rules.  One has to define what 
"counts" as erotic contact in order to have rules that it cannot
be done with people other than one's "partner".  One also has
to know exactly when a relationship begin & when it ends, in order
to know when "dating" others is forbidden.  It all seems 
pretty convoluted to me.  

But, my point is not to argue that poly or monog is simpler.  I guess
I want people to engage in a little more honesty and introspection. 
Saying that you are against something because Newt doesn't like
it or because it is "complicated" seems like a way to avoid 
honest discomfort with it, and avoid the need to question *why*
one is uncomfortable with it.  When building an intentional 
community, this kind of honesty is vital in deciding community norms
and rules.  If I want the bathroom not to be painted brown because
an ex had a brown bathroom, and seeing one brings up negative
memories for me, I'll do far better saying that in a meeting, then
saying "I just prefer red".

So, how many CoHo or other intentional communities that people 
on this list belong to are vegetarian, and if you are, how did
you come to that decision. (I am really curious about this, 
because I think it might be a conflict among the group
of people with whom I am working on forming  an intentional
community.)

-Rebecca