Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: WHAT IS COMMUNITY

[Mac Thomson (mac]

> ** I'd like to see the subscribers of this list do what Mike just did -
> submit a quick and simple list of:  WHAT CREATES COMMUNITY - for you. 
> Not in theory, but for each individual.  A staw poll of how people feel
> about this fundemental issue.  
> 
> Everyone is a legitimate expert on their own feelings, so if you've been
> lurking, now is a good chance to contribute (mouth off) like the rest of
> us, all for a good cause. 

This question is a bit old now, but I guess it's just as relavent now as it
was a couple weeks ago.  I like the focus of it - seeking memories of direct
experience rather than reguritating theories we've only read or heard about. 
Although I do think that exploring theories on the intellectual level
certainly has it's value, we must not let ourselves undervalue our own direct
experiences because of our lack of recoginized expertise.

So here goes . . . .

My feelings of community have come amongst good friends and with my wife (my
best friend).  It seems that at some point with certain people, a deep level
of trust develops that allows us to let down our personal defenses because we
know that there will be no attacks forthcoming.  And I speak of attacks here
in their subtlists forms - slight hurtful digs, little acts of selfishness,
indications of disapproval, etc.  When that trust (love? It's hard to put a
label on it.) develops, it is possible to shift my ego focus from just me to
the group.  Rather than being primarily concerned with my own well being and
defense, I can rely on others to help me with those so that I in turn can
comfortably make all of our well being and defense my primary concern.  We
help each other out.  Any one person's happiness is as important as any one
else's, including my own.  If I don't really mind doing the dishes right now
even though I've already done more than my share and if Sandy is feeling
particularly unenthused about washing dishes, I'll do the dishes.  This comes
from a trust that she won't take advantage of this generosity.  And don't get
me wrong, it certainly isn't about keeping score - if I do this, she'll owe
me.  "Me" is no longer the key issue, "us" is.

This shifting of individual consciousness to group consciousness is not a
concious decision.  It may sound that way in this discussion, but that's only
because I'm consciously trying to understand how this feeling of community
comes to be.  It's a quiet shift that is made possible because of a safety
net woven of love and trust.  When external threats and personal selfishness
are removed, it seems that there's no other choice but that love will fill
the void.

Well, that's my best shot at trying to put down in words a feeling that
resides in me in a place out of reach of language and knowing.

*   Mac Thomson                         San Juan Cohousing
*   Mac [at] HappyValley.com           Durango, Colorado
*
* "Friendship is, strictly speaking, reciprocal benevolence,
*   which inclines each party to be as solicitous for the welfare
*    of the other as for his own."     - Plato

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