Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Reluctant Husbands (fwd)

[Fred H. Olson (fholson]

Loren Davidson  loren [at] wombat.net
is the author of the message below but due to a problem it was posted
by the Fred the list manager: owner-cohousing-L [at] cohousing.org
--------------------  FORWARDED MESSAGE FOLLOWS --------------------

---Sharon Villines <SharonVillines [at] prodigy.net> wrote:
>
> We could fill our membership if we could convince all the reluctant
husbands
> out there that cohousing was good for them too. We are particularly
> interested in having more families but "my husband just won't" is the
> frequent response.
> 
> Has anyone else dealt with this? Strategies?

Well, I haven't dealt with this WRT cohousing...but I often work with
people who are sorting through relationship issues of various sorts,
and it's possible that some of that experience might be relevant here.

I think that the strategies one might use for dealing with this issue
would depend on what the ultimate source of the problem is:

Is someone reluctant merely because they haven't gotten sufficient
information about coho and/or the project in question?

Are they reluctant because they don't understand/accept the coho
lifestyle?

Are they reluctant because of an underlying relationship issue, in
which case this is only a symptom?

Finally...is it really the husbands' fault, or are the wives in
question perhaps blaming them for their own reluctance to commit to
cohousing?

Issues relating to insufficient information or experience are, IMO,
more likely to be curable than those stemming from an internal
communication/values mismatch/relationship problems situation.  Other
than offering a sympathetic ear and perhaps being willing to ask a few
leading questions (if yours is the type of incipient community where
everyone tries to help with individual problems - many aren't!) of the
persons expressing the problem.

This, however, can cause yet more problems, since one is then straying
into areas that can go beyond "sympathetic friend" and into the realm
of "relationship counselor".

And if you're just not getting accurate feedback from one or more
individuals, I'm not entirely sure that a "solution" is possible.  In
fact, you may be better off continuing to look for more,
better-compatible people for your project.

This post is sponsored by the letters IMO and YMMV (Your Mileage May
Vary).

Sincerely, and with best wishes for a good resolution,

Loren

==
Loren Davidson       Permaculturist, poet, philosopher
Please reply to loren [at] wombat.net
http://www.batnet.com/beauty/
"If you don't like the world you live in, create the world
you like." -- Sun Bear


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