Cohousing-L Mailing List: Filtering the right people in or out

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

I see the marketing/realtor thread is rapidily turning into something else,
so I will sort of kick it on down the road it was heading.

Yeah, you can't legally pick people, and no, you won't have much of a clue
whom to pick unless your criteria is pretty basic like, has kids, does not
have kids, older than 55, not older than 55. Etc. And yeah, if anybody cared
enough and they felt gipped from being excluded they could sue you. Can't
say I have every heard of such a thing in cohousing, although I did run into
a lesbian couple who felt discriminated against (by a group that had a
policy that you had to have kids to buy the last couple units) and talked to
me about suing a group (of course I talked them out of it).

The reality is that people who will filter into your group will all be
tolerant of long, tedious meetings, Who are willing to talk about stuff with
other people, who are willing to defer gratification, and who want social
relationships with their neighbors. Duh. The process of cohousing
development creates these filters. Unfortunately, sometimes you lose great
potential neighbors along the way because they are not willing to endure
these things which cohousers seem to think are natural. Especially the
meetings part. Money is the first issue that discourages folks but the clear
second issue is tedious meetings that don't accomplish much.

It is not natural to endure long tedious meetings, talk about stuff with
strangers, defer gratification, risk money on dubious idelogical ventures,
or desire to hang with your neighbors. At least not in the American Society
I am involved with. So that makes us kind of weird to begin with doesn't it?

People who come from loud verbal backgrounds, where yelling at each other in
agitated tones is normal won't be welcome in most cohousing groups. People
who come from shy, retiring backgrounds may not feel comfortable either. So
by design and process you are filtering people out all the time, with
everything you do. You don't see these filters, but they are there, working
all the time to attract or detract people.

So what's the point Rob? Don't worry about it. Control is an illusion. Be
ready to accept people how they are, and enjoy them as they are, because no
matter what they say, they will always be how they are unless THEY want to
change and have the gumption to take the actions to do so.

And remember always, your best marketing tool is your people and your
relationships, not your real estate. The more you can get potentials
involved with the people in your group, the more likely they will sign on.
Many people find the social environment so compelling they will endure
amazingly horrible experiences. Unless they are fools, and there are lots of
those around - but they tend to move out pretty quick.

Rob Sandelin
Northwest Intentional Communties Association
Building a better society, one neighborhood at a time