Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: Private vs Community Issues (Abuse, Alcoholism, etc.)

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

I have run into lots of these sorts of things, but that's because I am a
faciliator and group process trainer. There is not one process that fits all
for all situations. You should develop a tool kit of different things to do
in different situations. However to have any value your group needs to be
trained in the tools. I do such trainings with a cohousing focus and
background, but I am booked till February 2000.

In your area there are probably family counselors. See if you can find one
who would do a workshop on conflict/communication, explaining as best you
can the kind of "family" you have. The techniques used for family counseling
and couples counseling work well with cohousing. Having a relationship with
a local professional is also good for backup, when you want an intervention
to come from outside to take the heat off.

There are dozens of books which have various approaches, some of them are
listed on the intentional communities resource pages at
http://www.infoteam.com/nonprofit/nica/resource.html  Click the group
process folder.

In general, the boundary between what is private and what is community is an
interesting line in cohousing. Most groups seldom define these things or
talk about them until they are in a crisis, and then sometimes the are
afraid to talk about them. Is it a community issue if two married members
are having an affair? How about if one family beleives that spanking is the
correct dicipline method for their childen? The list of these sort of narly
issues is quite large and many cohousing groups just avoid it, don't talk
about about, or talk about it in unhealthy ways. Triangulation for example
creates an unhealthy gossip chain which almost always damages peoples
relationships. (If you don't know about triangulaton, then you need to do
some reading- it's one of the most common poisons found in group process)

 Having a process in place to talk about issues and problems, with fairness
and compassion, and knowing the difference between healthy talk and
unhealthy talk is importatnt. It is not a skill most people have, since few
people in cohousing have lived in such situations prior to moving in.

Rob Sandelin
Northwest Intentional Communities Association