Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: remaining relevant (re: all the sex talk)

[Victoria (victoria]

Hi All,

I agree with Paul Marquardt when he says  >this subject has little to do
with morals or religion.
Mostly it comes down to how we work as a society<   It makes sense to me to
look at 'what works' - i.e., what seems to bring happiness and comfort and
effective living, stability and room to grow, to all concerned.

A digression:  one thing that living in cohousing has taught me in spades is
that there is nothing obvious, that everything I believe will countered with
someone's opposite belief.  For the most part our beliefs seem to stem from
our previous experiences.  I have learned to listen very carefully to those
who don't agree with me.  If their experience has led them to a different
opinion, I want to learn about why, since I clearly haven't experienced all
there is.  (Shakespeare said something like "There is more to this than is
dreamed of in your philosophy, Horatio.")

My experience - personally, as a relative and friend, as a social worker
working with families, plus the reading I've done - has led me to believe
that marriage and nuclear families are more often than not destructive and
difficult places to live in, for kids and for grown ups. (Note I am not
poly, I never even realized that anyone considered it an option outside of a
few Mormons, until recently.).  I offer this perspective to you simply to
point out that observation can lead to different conclusions. Paul's comment
that monogamy may be > a little less complicated < and something 'that
works' is simply not supported by most of the evidence I have seen.  I
definitely do not claim to know the answer to all this - I've no idea if
poly living would help deal with some of the problems caused by monogamy and
nuclear families.  I just point out that from my perspective it's hard to
see that monogamy is a practical workable happy thing.  (I know that
SOMETIMES it is, just not terribly often).  For the most part I see it as
something that most often requires serious personal compromise at the
expense of personal growth, among other things.  So I am glad to know that
there are those looking for better ways to live.  Which is why I like the
utopian novel thread.

Vicky Leary
Trillium Hollow
Portland, Oregon


----- Original Message -----
From: Paul Marquardt <ardt [at] mindspring.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list <cohousing-l [at] freedom2.mtn.org>
Sent: Wednesday, October 27, 1999 7:49 PM
Subject: Re: remaining relevant (re: all the sex talk)


> Hi Folks,
>
> I've been following this thread with a perverse (maybe voyeuristic)
interest.
>
> In my opinion, this subject has little to do with morals or religion.
> Mostly it comes down to how we work as a society.  These days people are
> willing to buck the wisdom passed down from past generations because it's
> our God given right to "Feel Good."  But the guidelines we're bucking were
> not chosen arbitrarily nor to exclude anybody, but to make it easier to
> share a common experience and build community.
>
> Living in a vaccuum, we are all free to follow our gut instincts.  A few
> thousand years or so ago, we found out that many times these drives can
> cause problems.  A person with naturally agressive tendencies may need to
> curb them some to avoid being ostracized by those who want to live
peacably
> together.  Natural born cleptos need to mainstream their desires for other
> people's stuff in order to be trusted as part of a larger group.  I
believe
> we have also learned to seek a monogamous love life to make living in
large
> groups easier.  How?  I don't particularly know, except that maybe it's a
> little less complicated, especially for those of us who want to carry out
> another generation.
>
> I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do.  God knows, in these times of
> overpopulation we don't all need to be spawning another generation.  I
just
> hope we can all live together comfortably.  It may be a good education for
> my kids to see other lifestyles.  I'll encourage them to make their own
> choices, but I'll also pass onto them the things I've learned.
>
> I think we're all born on some part of the continuum of "poly."  I don't
> think it's a bad thing to want other partners.  I do think that most folks
> fall in love more than once.  Does it really take being sexual to show
> that?
>
> These are some of the thoughts this discussion has provoked in me.  Now I
> can quit thinking them for a bit.
> Peace.
> -Paul
>
>