Cohousing and couples | <– Date –> <– Thread –> |
From: Rob Sandelin (floriferous![]() |
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Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2001 08:18:03 -0600 (MDT) |
Heidi asked how couples lives are impacted in cohousing Community is for many people the first mirror that they can see themselves in relation to others. You can observe other couples and compare your relationship, for better or worse. And, to some extent, their is a public part of your private relationship. We have had a regular soap opera of 3 divorces in the past year, two of which seemed to me to be models of cooperative uncoupling, the third seems to be containing all the court and lawyer ugliness that two people inflict on each other. This is very difficult to be around in a community and has created in my opinion a very unhealthy dynamic and larger relationship collateral damage, especially to one of the soon to be ex-partners. Pretty much everybody is on one side of this break up and its not a good thing, a palatable undercurrent in the community. There is discernable relationship tension with many people and one of the soon to be ex-partners. So, from my ten plus years of living here, this seems to be the worse it has every been in terms of relationships. Part of the problem as I see it is the boundaries issue: Is this my business, their business, etc? Where does the community come in if neither partner is outreaching for support? When one person acts out in ways that damages their relationships what do you do? Is it just a symptom of their disintegrating partnership, or some deeper personal thing? On a more positive note, one of the things that cohousing gives you is support, no even relief, from having to be the sole interest support for your partner. In my case I am married to a gardener. I am not a Gardner. For years I would dutifully accompany the spouse to nurseries, etc. Now my partner has a subset of community garden mates to do that with and I am joyously off the plantage hook. My partner and I have totally different tastes in movies and this too can easily be accommodated. My partner and I have our arguments, and I have never gotten any feedback that these make anyone else uncomfortable. However, if we are outside having a "discussion", sometimes a friend of ours will sort of wander by, just to be in our viewshed in case we want to call her over for her intervention, support, etc. She does this subtly and I love her dearly for caring enough about us to do so. And I also feel no pressure to call her over either. Some couples are very open about their stuff, others very closed and you simply have to respect each couples styles and desires. We have had a single woman tell us that she does not want us gossiping about her lovers, and as far as I know, that is respected. And kudos to her for telling the community, straight out, that those conversations were offensive to her sense of privacy and well being. Were we all so direct and honest things would be much happier. Rob Sandelin Sharingwood Community Snohomish, WA On another, perhaps related note, how are couples lives impacted by living in co-housing?? Do some folks in your communities do spousal disagreements in public??? It can be awkward to be arguing with your sweetie as you walk to the car..... when the walk takes oyu past a dozen folks you know!! And in Co-Housing, built as ours is, with cars parked away from houses, it easily happens that one person stops for an interchange, causing the partner to fume in silence/ try to get the other to hurry up..... etc. In some instances, I see a couple fond and affectionate and never having a tiff you can see..... and it brings up interest...: is this what they are really like!? All the time?! Some folks are very open abt their 'stuff', and it includes lots of humor...... Any interesting stories from your communities?? I can't offer a really funny one without figuring out how to protect the couples anonymity..... it'll come... I do know friends in a community, who are unhappy in their marriage, separated under their co-roof. They are in the closet about their separation to their community so far!! They've shared the situation with a couple of friends, but their privacy has been respected to the degree that no-one/virtually no-one in their actual co-ho group knows. Hard to imagine in a group where folks actually do know a lot abt each other, but true!! It'd be great to hear stories and hits of co-ho humor. Ruth Hirsch, Cantines Island Co-Housing Saugerties, NY, near Woodstock. We have aquired an adjacent piece of land and are looking for one more household!!! A beautiful site, abutting the woods, overlooking the rapids, around the corner from The Hudson River..... _______________________________________________ Cohousing-L mailing list Cohousing-L [at] cohousing.org Unsubscribe info: http://www.communityforum.net/mailman/listinfo/cohousing-l _______________________________________________ Cohousing-L mailing list Cohousing-L [at] cohousing.org Unsubscribe info: http://www.communityforum.net/mailman/listinfo/cohousing-l
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Re:vigorous way of life/new thread HeidiNYS, April 15 2001
- Cohousing and couples Rob Sandelin, April 17 2001
- Re: Cohousing and couples Sharon Villines, April 17 2001
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