Cohousing and couples
From: Rob Sandelin (floriferousmsn.com)
Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2001 08:18:03 -0600 (MDT)
Heidi asked how couples lives are impacted in cohousing

Community is for many people the first mirror that they can see themselves
in relation to others. You can observe other couples and compare your
relationship, for better  or worse. And, to some extent, their is a public
part of your private relationship.

We have had a regular soap opera of 3 divorces in the past year, two of
which seemed to me to be models of cooperative  uncoupling, the third seems
to be containing all the court and lawyer ugliness that two people inflict
on each other. This is very difficult to be around in a community and has
created in my opinion a very unhealthy dynamic and larger relationship
collateral damage, especially to one of the soon to be ex-partners. Pretty
much everybody is on one side of this break up and its not a good thing, a
palatable undercurrent in the community. There is discernable relationship
tension with many people and one of the soon to be ex-partners.

So, from my ten plus years of living here, this seems to be the worse it has
every been in terms of  relationships. Part of the problem as I see it is
the boundaries issue: Is this my business, their business, etc? Where does
the community come in if neither partner is outreaching for support? When
one person acts out in ways that damages their relationships what do you do?
Is it just a symptom of their disintegrating partnership, or some deeper
personal thing?

On a more positive note, one of the things that cohousing gives you is
support, no even relief, from having to be the sole interest support for
your partner. In my case I am married to a gardener. I am not a Gardner. For
years I would dutifully accompany the spouse to nurseries, etc. Now my
partner has a subset of community garden mates to do that with and I am
joyously off the plantage hook. My partner  and I have totally different
tastes in movies and this too can easily be accommodated.

My partner and I have our arguments, and I have never gotten any feedback
that these make anyone else uncomfortable. However, if we are outside having
a  "discussion", sometimes a friend of ours will sort of wander by, just to
be in our viewshed in case we want to call her over for her intervention,
support, etc. She does this subtly and I love her dearly for caring enough
about us to do so. And I also feel no pressure to call her over either.

Some couples are very open about their stuff, others very closed and you
simply have to respect each couples styles and desires. We have had a single
woman tell us that she does not  want us gossiping about her lovers,  and as
far as I know, that is respected. And kudos to her for telling the
community, straight out, that those conversations were offensive to her
sense of privacy and well being. Were we all so direct and honest things
would be much happier.

Rob Sandelin
Sharingwood Community
Snohomish, WA






On another, perhaps related note, how are couples lives impacted by living
in
co-housing??  Do some folks in your communities do spousal disagreements in
public???  It can be awkward to be arguing with your sweetie as you walk to
the car..... when the walk takes oyu past a dozen folks you know!!   And in
Co-Housing, built as ours is, with cars parked away from houses,  it easily
happens that one person stops for an interchange, causing the partner to
fume
in silence/ try to get the other to hurry up..... etc.      In some
instances, I see a couple fond and affectionate and never having a tiff you
can see..... and it brings up interest...: is this what they are really
like!?  All the time?!  Some folks are very open abt their 'stuff', and it
includes lots of humor......  Any interesting stories  from your
communities??
I can't offer a really funny one without figuring out how to protect the
couples anonymity.....  it'll come...  I do know friends in a community, who
are unhappy in their  marriage, separated under their co-roof.  They are in
the closet about their separation to their community so far!!  They've
shared
the  situation with a couple of friends, but their privacy has been
respected
to the degree that no-one/virtually no-one in their actual co-ho group
knows.
   Hard to imagine in a group where folks actually do know a lot abt each
other,  but true!!

It'd be great to hear stories and hits of co-ho humor.

Ruth Hirsch, Cantines Island Co-Housing Saugerties, NY, near Woodstock.  We
have aquired an adjacent piece of land and are looking for one more
household!!!  A beautiful site,  abutting the woods, overlooking  the
rapids,
around the corner from The Hudson River.....


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