Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: conflict resolution process

[Tree Bressen (tree]

Rob wrote:
>It is naive to think there is one process that works for
>everybody, or that you can adopt some community process and its going to
>work. Sorry, different styles of conflict require very different approaches.

While i think there is a lot of wisdom in this, i've noticed that there are
some similarities in the methods of conflict resolution that i've studied
so far, and i think these can be built on.  Admittedly my focus has mainly
been facilitation rather than mediation per se, but there is a lot of
overlap, and part of why one gets asked in as a facilitator is to deal with
conflicts.  While most of my professional work is group-based, i also do
one-to-one mediations for friends.

The main piece i see underlying various methods centers on empathy and
reflection.  People need to feel heard.  They want to know that other
people get it about why they're upset.  So if something's going on in the
moment and/or you don't have a professional available, my advice is to do
basic reflective listening.  Ideally the parties in conflict will be able
to do this with each other, but even having each party reflected back by a
third person does a lot of good.  After one person talks--briefly! or else
it will be too much to remember--the listener simply says back what they
heard, without judgment, without advice, without trying to fix it, just
simply listening and responding with as much compassion as they can muster.
 You don't need to say back every word, rather seek to understand the
essence of what was conveyed.  After a few times of this then switch to the
other person.  I've seen this simple tool go most of the way toward
resolving major conflicts.  I've experienced its magic over and over again
both as participant and as mediator.

While i think Rob's advice to have local, professional mediation on hand is
sound, i've also seen plenty of successful internal community mediations.
If the two people in conflict are willing to sit down with a third person
who they both trust, often that person acting as witness and support is
enough to help things along, without even saying much.  Of course,
sometimes just getting the people to sit down together is a real challenge,
and that's where a community culture that expects conflicts to be dealt
with is helpful.

Good luck,

--Tree



-----------------------------------------------

Tree Bressen
1680 Walnut St.
Eugene, OR 97403
(541) 484-1156
tree [at] ic.org
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