Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Re: "Managing Outbursts in Meetings" -- Linda Scott

[Cheryl A. Charis-Graves (ccharis]

Linda Scott wrote:
The real world is that not all of us have those skills, and hearing 
vitriol about another, freely expressed, does not enhance our group 
work, in my view.  I think it is experienced more often as shaming, 
humiliating, uncomfortable, etc., for the whole group.  We may have a 
ground rule about using "I statements", but lots of folks think that 
means:  "I feel the last person who spoke was wrong, bad, inappropriate, 
uncaring, and THAT'S the reason I now feel _______."  It's a real downer 
and the people in the group who are conflict-shy may develop an aversion 
to being in a place where that's happening.

I perceive this situation in our group as well. To one person, "being 
honest" means expressing himself vehemently and loudly and at great 
length, and to try to bring him into focus or to ask clarifying 
questions is interpreted as not understanding the value of what he 
brings to the group. To another person, "being safe" means that the 
group will act in concert to protect and defend her if she interprets a 
comment in a personal manner. I cognitively understand what each person 
is experiencing and why they feel the way they do, but I have to say it 
is exhausting to stay present while they work through their stuff. I 
want to be sensitive, and I want them to feel heard. But truthfully, 
sometimes I feel like I am being held hostage by the muck we create 
while we struggle through this. I do not feel energized nor enlightened, 
and I do not feel more closely bonded at the end of it. I feel drained 
of juice and life.

So my inclincation is to protect myself from such experiences, to take 
care of myself. And sometimes, that means leaning away from the 
community experience. The purple card idea seems like a good one, but 
I'd like to see more ideas about how to support people in taking 
responsibility for their own feelings instead of off-loading onto 
others.

Cheryl
Harmony Village, Golden CO





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