Cohousing-L Mailing List: what motivates an outburst/ managing outbursts

[Trina Rotskoff (trina]

After spending the weekend listening to Marshall Rosenberg, author of
"Non-Violent Communication,"  I am thinking about what he might say about
this issue.  I believe he would say that these outbursts (though we may
evaluate them as "violent" or "hurful") are a gift to the group.  They are
an opportunity to help the speaker get his or her needs met.

Marshall says that all that ever motivates any of us are our needs.
Everything we do is an attemt to meet a need.  So in Non-Violent
Communication, decerning what motivated the outburst means exercising
compassion to try and empathically understand the need that the speaker is
trying to get met by bursting out.  Depending on the outburst someone may be
needing to feel safe, to be understood, or perhaps if we are thinking that
they want to "get their way" then the need may be for security, autonomy, or
support.  Human beings have a lot of needs and it can be difficult to
interpret which ones are being expressed, especially if we have our own
emotional reaction to the outburst because of our own needs for safety or
peace.  I find that listening for needs, be they someone else's or my own,
takes the discomfort out of these moments.  Even if an "outburst" is
directed toward me, if I am listening for the needs I don't hear an
"attack."  I see a gift, an opportunity to connect with the speaker and help
them get their needs met.  Of course, this is if I remember to use my new
paradigm, and not react the way I was taught to by my culture.  ;)

I hope this is useful information to you all!

Peace,
Trina Rotskoff

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