Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: what motivates an outburst/ managing outbursts

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> Everything we do is an attemt to meet a need.  So in Non-Violent
> Communication, decerning what motivated the outburst means exercising
> compassion to try and empathically understand the need that the speaker is
> trying to get met by bursting out.  Depending on the outburst someone may be
> needing to feel safe, to be understood, or perhaps if we are thinking that
> they want to "get their way" then the need may be for security, autonomy, or
> support.  Human beings have a lot of needs and it can be difficult to
> interpret which ones are being expressed, especially if we have our own
> emotional reaction to the outburst because of our own needs for safety or
> peace.  I find that listening for needs, be they someone else's or my own,
> takes the discomfort out of these moments.  Even if an "outburst" is
> directed toward me, if I am listening for the needs I don't hear an
> "attack."  I see a gift, an opportunity to connect with the speaker and help
> them get their needs met.

This is a lovely statement. Perhaps cutting through the "Thinking/Feeling"
opposition to "needs" is more helpful. Often I don't engage with people
because I know I can't fill their needs.

Sometimes my frustrations with difficult emotional situations in groups is
the lack of time or effort taken to find out what this person's needs really
are. "Calm down" is one of the most useless and infuriating phrases in the
English language. 

In a living situation treating emotional outbursts as if they are "not on
the agenda" is not only not productive but missing the point entirely.

Sharon
-- 
Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org



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