Cohousing-L Mailing List: Non-parents interacting w children

[Lynn Nadeau (welcome]

> If you don't really know a kid, and the only time she has any  meaningful
>contact with you is when you lecture her about her allegedly 
>inappropriate behavior,  why should she take you seriously? - For  one
>thing, she doesn't sense that you take *her* seriously.  You are just one
>more of the many adults who try to exert (what's to her is a negative)
>control on her life.  

To some degree, kids do filter us out (maybe parents more than 
strangers...): I'm reminded of the Charlie Brown shows where the kids all 
speak normally, and the adult input is a muffled mumble like 
wahwahmmmwhammmwahwah. As a teen, my daughter went off to a boarding 
school where she finally "heard" things I'd been telling her all her 
life, because it came from peers and other adults than her mom. 

I think most of us do have a pretty good sense of the individual kids 
here, and vice versa. To the extent that they in some ways treat us all 
as parent figures (can you get me some water? he took my truck! or 
hanging out with us) they also are not surprised that we give them some 
parent-like guidance, which is not, anyway, in the form of lecturing 
them. Mostly we are trying to avoid damage, injury, or upset, and they 
can see that. 

At RoseWind the Kidstuff Committee formulated some guidelines to 
facilitate interactions between members and children who are not their 
children. 

(1) We noted ground rules the kids were supposed to know, like use the 
dining room couches for sitting, not leaping, and don't enter the kitchen 
except at the invitation of a (supervising) adult. Anyone is welcome to 
remind a kid of those rules.

(2) We recommended some types of communication with children which are 
more likely to get positive results: Tell them what you DO want them to 
do. or Suggest a place where they CAN do what they are doing in an 
inappropriate place. Negotiate sharing (I'll tell you when it's been 5 
minutes then you'll give B the truck. or Would you like it when she's 
done with it?). People who don't spend a lot of time around kids often 
don't realize how much more effective one can be, than just saying "Don't 
do that." 

(3) Express concerns to a parent consciously: I'm worried someone will 
get hurt when I see.. If you have concerns you aren't comfortable telling 
directly to a parent, try using another parent as an intermediary. If 
concerns are more broad, address them to the Kidstuff Committee.

Individual parents have also helped by sending email to the community 
with information like: 
My child can't eat dairy products, and I'm trying to limit sugar. If she 
asks you to get or give her food, refer her to me. or I appreciate people 
letting my child climb into their laps, but don't feel you need to do 
that if you don't feel like it; you can just say "I don't want to be 
climbed on" and send him away to play elsewhere, or back to me. 

Lynn at RoseWind
where I'm delighted the neigboring house was bought by a couple with 3 
children, and was startled to hear the kids crashing away on drum sets, 
blowing a sort of whistle which sounded like a toddler being murdered, 
and clashing away on cymbals, in a joyful parade!  


Lynn Nadeau, RoseWind Cohousing
Port Townsend Washington (Victorian seaport, music, art, nature)
http://www.rosewind.org
http://www.ptguide.com
http://www.ptforpeace.info (very active peace movement here- see our 
photo)

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