Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Children

[racheli (racheli]

Kay,
You seem to put a certain spin on my words which wasn't
there.
Also, I'm seeing your description of children as being highly
overgeneralized, as if they are all the same.  They are not.

To talk about specific children, in this case my own: I've used very
different criteria than yours in bringing them up, and IMO even by your
criteria as to what consists a "well behaved child", they are well ahead
of the pack (not just IMO, but
I'm constantly told so by other coho and other people).
It's of course difficult to provide a "counter example" for
your hypothesis over email, but everyone who cares to check
out might find that there are other (more effective, and more respectful)
ways to interact with children than by the "laying  down the law"
measures. 
This is not to say that there are no rules which kids need to  follow. 
IMO kids who are not harassed by too many rules
they had no part in setting are very agreeable to following
reasonable rules.  In the case of my kids, in many cases they  used to be
worried about whether  *I* woould follow given 
rules well enough (the anarchist that I am :))

I think it was Sharon (from DC) who suggested in one of her posts  that
rules should attempt (whenever applicable/possible) to be regarding
behavior, not age.  I am very much in agreement.  

R.

>>  I don't think it's healthy for kids to encounter such hostility ...

>Whoa!  It is not "hostility" to feel that, occasionally, it would be nice
>for the children's wants and needs not to be the _foremost_
>consideration, especially when they aren't even your kids.

>Part of growing up is learning to be polite about being bored, to expect
>to have to earn certain privileges, to realize other people have
>interests you don't share and vice versa, to grasp that some rules are
>enforced by reality instead of by parents, and to accept that you have to
>behave in certain ways in certain places or you won't be welcome.

>For that reason, it's actually good for kids to have some adults around
>who don't indiscriminately love children -- who choose to associate with
>them, or not, on the same standards they would an adult.

>A child-centered environment doesn't teach those necessary life lessons.
>Children need one or two adults to whom they are the center of the
>universe -- and adults who put up with them as long as they're good, and
>send them home when they aren't.  Children need safety locks on the
>chemical closets -- and cats who scratch when their tails are pulled. 
>Children need activities designed especially for them -- and activities
>that are too challenging or where they get left home watching reruns with
>a babysitter while the older folks have fun.

>Children who don't have those experiences grow up to be adults who hold
>loud cell  phone conversations in libraries, step over the fence to get a
>close-up photo of the alligator, and sulk if their partner asks, "Why do
>we always have to go there?"

>"You can't always get what you want" is something you accept with
>equanimity if you learn it early, but treat with denial or outrage if
>first encountered at a later age.

>Kay
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racheli [at] sonoracohousing.com
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