Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: most common areas of conflict

[TR Ruddick (truddick]

Having enjoyed all the responses to my original query, I'd like to delve a
bit.

Rob's list--pets, kids, communication--is a great start but doesn't quite
get where I'd like because it doesn't develop categories via a consistent
criterion. Pets and kids are a topic--communication is a process that might
involve all topics.

The way I see it, pets, kids (and paint and pesticides and food
restrictions) are specific topics that a group might address early on to
avoid having to do damage control later.

Communication, OTOH, is one of those process things that may or may not
manifest.  If a conflict over some specific topic NEVER arises (i.e., by
luck everyone agrees on kids, pets, paint and pesticides and food) than we
never discover that some members' communication habits are
counterproductive.  If the topics do lead to conflict, then the question of
whose communication habits are counterproductive gets a different answer
depending on the climate of the group and on which individual is being
asked.

In a group where conflict is seen as a result of legitimate self-expression
and as an opportunity for win/win resolutions, everyone is likely to
express extreme satisfaction with communication skills.  Put the same
skills and conflicts into a group where conflict is seen as a sign of
selfish arrogance, and suddenly everyone not on your own side has serious
communication issues.

That's not to say that all communication processes are equal.  In general,
we need to recognize that speaking actively in the first person, listening
carefully to others, and avoiding vague or indirect implication is better. 
But communication (and other process issues) don't become problems in the
absence of a topic of dispute--do they?

I'd like to have a list of the topics...I think there's a good start here
somewhere.

TR Ruddick
Dayton Cohousing


_______________________________________________
Cohousing-L mailing list
Cohousing-L [at] cohousing.org  Unsubscribe  and other info:
http://www.cohousing.org/cohousing-L