Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Refining concerns / needs

[Fred H Olson (fholson]

Jeff Jones  Effjones [at] aol.com
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Becky:

I have read with interest the discussion of needs, and your specific
questions about what the facilitator might do to help the group refine
each concern so that it is more helpful for the community in coming up
with proposals. 

I am reminded about Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication," 
(www.cnvc.org) and the clarity he brings to this topic. A human need is
universal, in the present moment and is not tied to another person or
group.  Human needs are something that we all share.  An incomplete list
of these would be: autonomy (to choose one's own dreams, goals and values)
physical nurturance (food, water, safety, sexual expression) integrity
(authenticity, meaning, self-worth), interdependence (acceptance,
consideration, emotional safety, reassurance, respect) celebration (to
celebrate the creation of life and its losses). 

Even though we all share the same human needs, we often have different
strategies to meet these needs.  Our English language allows us to mix
needs and strategies which often leads to conflict.  The purpose of this
model (NVC) is: to inspire heartfelt connection so all needs may be met,
to connect to the life in ourselves and others, to be inspired and to
inspire others to give from the heart, to foster a compassionate response
by honoring our universally shared needs.  If these are the needs of a
group, then NVC would be one strategy to meet the above needs (purpose of
NVC). 

>From a practical standpoint of using this NVC understanding in the role
of facilitator, there are various ways to model this shift in thinking and
speaking. It is my judgment that when facilitating it would be most
helpful to continually be listening for the underlying need under the
content of what is being expressed.  Then reframe by asking questions
about the human need that you think they are trying to fulfill (basically,
you are guessing).  It's important to be empathetic with yourself and not
to expect your guess to be accurate. 

When you are told that you have guessed incorrectly, it's an opportunity
to try again to guess: What is the underlying human needs that is most
important in what I am hearing.  But it's not just words, in fact, words
are the smaller part of the communication.  Watch for the non-verbals,
mention the non-verbals you see that is in alignment with your guess.  But
be very open about being wrong.  The point is to come with the energy
(behind the words) of "teach me about you" which contributes to the
possibility of the frame of thinking in the room shifting.  If you can't
seem to connect with the person or the content of what they are saying you
can ask, "What they are needing now from the group, or what they would
like the group to consider?" 

For myself, the reality is that I dance in and out of using this in my
speaking; I do not pressure myself to respond in a prescribed manner to
every judgment or strategy that I hear.  It does impact my consciousness;
and my expressing to the group from this consciousness impacts them. 

This is not always easy, as it has taken me lots of practice.  At times,
it's easier for me to facilitate outside of my community when I have
triggers (in other community members) that I have not personally cleaned
up yet. 

Let me give an example of some ways I see to incorporate NVC into
facilitative comments using your statements: 

> We don't want to embarrass people by publicly recording how many hours
> each person works each month.

First, I'd try to reframe in the positive by saying what you do want.  I'm
guessing that you would like to have the work system support people in
being accountable because they are contributing from a place of love and
commitment? 

> We want to honor the many different kinds of work that people do.

I'm guessing that you would like to acknowledge the many different kinds
of work that gets accomplished, and you would like to do this with the
energy of gratitude?  Is that right? 

> We don't want to put a greater value on some work than other work.  For
> example, we don't want to say that pouring cement somewhere counts as work
> hours but bringing dinner to a sick neighbor doesn't count.

I'm guessing that you would like to acknowledge that there is different
kinds of work that supports the community on different levels?  I see the
physical level of work that supports our community: pouring cement
(building, planting trees, paying bills, etc), and I see the social and
emotional level of work that supports our community: bringing dinner to a
sick neighbor.  Do I have that right? 

> We want to lessen the amount that people feel some guilt about not living 
> up to other people's expectations.

It sounds like you would like to acknowledge the delicate nature of
unequal participation and how this affects the self-talk and self
criticism of some people in our community.  I'm guessing that you would
like to take a community action to support the positive self-talk about
how each individual participates. 

Personally, I see that using NVC skills can be quite transformational to
myself and to others when incorporated into facilitative comments.  But
it's not a panacea.  And my judgment is NVC is helpful in two stages of
assisting the flow of communication: 1)being very specific, concrete and
clearly owing our own statements, 2) getting to the core or what is most
important for an individual or group.  It is also my judgment that there
is a stage of communication that is marginalized by adhering too closely
to NVC and expecting this from others. Potential marginalized aspects of
communication: shared hopes, dreams, stories, ideas, perceptions and
judgments.  This is why earlier I mentioned the dancing in and out of NVC. 

After all of that, I can site another perspective on facilitation which is
well worth the look:  Dynamic Facilitation -- Choice Creating. 
http://www.co-intelligence.org/P-dynamicfacilitation.html

Hope this is useful,

Jeff Jones



3537 Nyland Way
Lafayette, Co. 80026
303-499-7557

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