Cohousing-L Mailing List: handling conflict

[don i arkin (shardon5]

Hi, Here at Sonora in Tucson we are, like Sharon, also 3 years into our
on-site life and we have not yet fully solved this problem.  I would echo
most of what Sharon said. In addition I was led to wonder why people who
are conflict-avoiders are attracted to cohousing where they will be
forced to resolve many more differences with their neighbors than in
conventional subdivisions.  Perhaps it is because one of the promises of
cohousing is that because you are more intimate with your neighbors, most
differences can be expected to be handled at a lower emotional pitch than
might happen with a near stranger where subconsciously you might feel
that a stronger display is necessary win the dispute.  
        I still believe that this is true, but I find that these
emotional displays are still too common for my taste.  Some people are
too reliant on this form of conflict resolution rather than the more
balanced rational form.
I have seen very skilled facilitators be able to sometimes draw  people
who have retreated into their emotions back to the discussion, but it
usually is not easy.  While walking across our common lawn the other day
I saw an incident that seemed relevant.  Several children in the two to 5
age range were playing with a father nearby.  One child was handing out
pieces of some food item and a small child complained about her piece
being small.  Her dad responded that it was a good piece for her. 
Instantly her piercing wail rang out and within seconds she was holding a
large piece.  
        In particular I want to second what Sharon said about talking to
people who have generated emotionally charged confrontations that
resisted initial attempts at resolution, outside of the meeting or
possibly even taking a recess in the meeting to get to the bottom of the
intense reaction.  Usually the actual topic at issue is not sufficient to
explain these outbursts.
        Don
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