Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: tipping point

[Robert Moskowitz (robertm]

I agree completely. 

I would not like to be subject to any kind of "...screening process [that] is too intensely focused on discovering every applicant's hidden or potential flaws,...." And I probably wouldn't pass. 

Nor would I want to live in "... a climate of suspicion, scrutiny, top-down authority, 
rigidity, assumed consensus, nit-picking, judgmentalism, assumed similarity, and enforced 
conformity...", with or without "the inevitable chaotic error"....

I'm just saying I don't want to buy a house in a cohousing community where my neighbors are not gung-ho supporters of the group values. What's special about cohousing is the "co" part. So what's the point of joining a group and commiting myself to doing my "co" part if my "co" neighbors won't? If I didn't value the "co" part so much, I could get "housing" tomorrow in any neighborhood that catches my fancy. 

Robert

Original Message....

Date: Sat, 6 May 2006 09:28:49 -0400
From: <truddick [at] earthlink.net>
Subject: [C-L]_ RE: tipping point
To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
Message-ID: <JFEHIGPIICMHKNCCBEIPEEMCCAAA.truddick [at] earthlink.net>
Content-Type: text/plain;       charset="us-ascii"

I'm getting good chuckles at the way terms intended as approbation are
quickly adopted and worn as a sign of honor!  May we abbreviate that JAS,
Marty?  :) 
Robert's initial comment, though, seems right-but in only one direction.  I
also don't think you can change people much if you want to make them fit
your desires.  The basketball metaphor was unfortunate; better to have used,
as an analogy, that no one should marry a partner who displays extremely
unacceptable personal characteristics.  "My love will bring about a change"
is a losing proposition.
On the other hand, it seems to be quite easy to motivate a person to change
for the worse ("worse" in this case being a matter of perspective).  Create
a climate of suspicion, scrutiny, top-down authority, rigidity, assumed
consensus, nit-picking, judgmentalism, assumed similarity, and enforced
conformity-and then toss in the inevitable chaotic error (false accusation,
exclusion by oversight, tagging as deviant, simple misunderstanding) and in
all likelihood you generate a level of resentment that will turn a
previously-pleasant fellow member into a grudge-nurturing argument waiting
to happen.
It can be devilish to try to repair the attitude once it's gone over THAT
tipping point.  Formal studies have been done that seem to suggest that,
once a person feels sufficiently put upon by authority to go into conflict
mode, it takes either elimination of the person (exclusion) or almost-total
capitulation to the person to manage that conflict.
Experience has shown that relationships eventually grow some interpersonal
problems that will need ironing out.  Screening will not prevent them, and
if you take every undesirable (to you) action as a sign that the other
person is the JAS, you fail to understand the interactive nature of
relationships.  Sometimes the other person needs to adapt to you; sometimes
you need to adapt to the other, and sometimes you both just need to GET OVER
IT!
Screening new members is important (should I say "duh" here?).  But there
are all levels of screening, just as there are variations in the community's
approaches to conflict and deviation from the norm.  If your screening
process resembles normal relationship-building (i.e., let's get to know one
another and hang out for a time) then you may err occasionally in your
decisions (just like in other relationships).  But if your screening process
is too intensely focused on discovering every applicant's hidden or
potential flaws, you might find the old self-fulfilling prophecy causing
lots of JAS.
-----Original Message-----
From: Martin Sheehy martinsheehy [at] yahoo.com
Robert, indeed, seems to want a community of conforming morons, guaranteed
to make for one boring cohousing Utopia.
 Marty, jerk, asshole, sociopath combined.

Ann Zabaldo <zabaldo [at] earthlink.net> wrote:

Exactly who is going to make these judgments of people? Today's asshole is
tomorrow's hero and who you may consider to be a jerk may consider YOU that.

I'm very interested in hearing how you are going to do this.

BTW -- you coach basketball players to play as a team -

> > > > I don't think you can influence people very much, even with overt
> > > > compulsory influences like jail time or financial incentives. In
> > > > basketball, you can't coach height.
> >    
>