Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: A Private person in cohousing

[Saoirse Charis-Graves (ccharis]

I just did a round of videotaped interviews with every adult and many  
of the children in our community of 27 households (44 adults and 18  
kids). We have been built for 10 years and are celebrating our  
anniversary next weekend.

Re privacy, many individuals commented on their fears about this as  
we were forming, planning, and building. After 10 years, all but one  
person in my interviews said that we have all struck a great balance  
between public and private lives. It did take time. And we had to go  
through the times of imbalance to get there. Of the one person who is  
still concerned about privacy, it was interesting for me to watch her  
switch around in the 30 minutes of our interview to say, finally,  
that she believes it IS for the good that she is being challenged in  
this way. Her boundaries have been too thin, she concluded, and she  
needed this challenge to figure out how to develop more healthy  
boundaries, which for her is a critical life issue. Every one else  
said that they were grateful for the learning and have taken this out  
into their interactions with the rest of the world.

I know from my interviews that it is stressful for an introverted  
person who has children in cohousing to find that balance. Kids come  
knocking or calling and every time you have to have an interaction,  
however brief. Saying no can be difficult and by itself exhausting.

My thoughts ... setting clear boundaries with your kids, turning off  
the phone, not answering the door, even locking the door. Putting in  
window coverings on the community side of the house, then pulling  
them. There is NOTHING that obliges you to answer the door or the  
phone. It is not rude. It is a decision that you make for yourself.  
You MUST take care of your emotional needs, first and foremost. If  
you need tons of quiet time or personal time, then take it. I would  
suggest that you look for one or two people in the community who seem  
to respond to others' needs. Arrange a time to talk to them about  
your concerns and needs. Let them help you brainstorm possible  
strategies for dealing with the community. Draw them in as your  
"support team." There IS a way to work through this. Your community  
will be better for it if you can involve them in learning how to  
respond to your needs. And perhaps this will strengthen you in a way  
not now apparent.

I hope this is not overstepping. As always, with any "advice" I am  
given, it is best to sort out what seems responsive for you and let  
the rest go.

Saoirse

Harmony Village Cohousing
http://www.harmonyvillage.org