Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Mandatory meals participation

[juniperjojo (juniperjojo]

I know this is a highly-controversial topic (not sure why, but it always is), 
but I just want to remind everyone that in our community we do NOT require (and 
never have required) that every individual contribute to the meals program, and 
yet we have a thriving meals program nonetheless.  We have FIVE meals a week, 
every week, which are regularly attended by between 30 and 60 people in a 
community of 37 households.  There is a vegetarian option at every meal and the 
meat and produce is organic whenever "practical."  So while I appreciate that 
some people feel strongly that full participation is "necessary," we have a 
working model (going on three years now) that suggests otherwise.
 
As a working (single) mother I know that I would resent a hard and fast 
requirement to participate in the meals program.  I do contribute when I'm 
able, because I enjoy cooking (and don't mind cleaning up -- too much), but if 
it were mandatory, with no option given to contribute to the community in other 
ways, I might choose to be in another community, or in a nice house in the 
suburbs.  Personally, I am in favor of limiting restrictive work expectations 
whenever possible.  The number of hours of work expected per individual should 
be more or less standard (taking into account an individual's health and 
ability to work when necessary), but how those hours are fulfilled should be as 
flexible as possible.
 
I guess I'm asking you all to consider the possibility that some people just 
don't want to have to cook or clean after meals, for whatever reason, but would 
by every other yardstick be a good neighbor.  So while sharing food is as many 
of you pointed out a great opportunity to hang out, bond with, and enjoy the 
company of our friends and neighbors, I don't understand why not wanting to 
cook or clean for common meals with large groups of people precludes one's 
participation in cohousing.  I don't understand the emphasis on universal 
participation in this single program, when there is so much other work that 
needs doing.  To me it's like mandating an individual's level of enthusiasm for 
cohousing.  Can we do this?  Should we?  If I want to live in cohousing for the 
increased sense of connection to the world it provides for me and my son, but I 
don't want to or can't fully participate in the meals program, should I be 
strongly encouraged to go find a nice subdivision in which to live?
 
Also, to Eris's point about Miss Manner's definition of family, attending 
"family-style" meals in my community with 30-60 people means less one-on-one 
time for me and my son.  That is a trade-off I am not usually willing to make.  
I do make it about once a week because I start to feel disconnected when 
everyone else is having dinner together but me (or so it seems), but it 
disrupts our schedule and detracts from our time together.  I mention this only 
to remind everyone that there isn't a "one size fits all" solution for 
community meals; every individual has different needs and different 
expectations and brings to the (metaphorical) table different gifts, and my 
ideal of cohousing respects and honors those differences.
 
In summary, I completely agree with everyone who says having a successful meals 
program is important to a community, but I respectfully disagree with everyone 
who is essentially saying that "post hoc ergo proctor hoc," participation in a 
meals program must be mandatory.  I realize that if in your community everyone 
participates in the meals program, and your meals program works well, you may 
feel strongly that your meals program is successful BECAUSE OF mandatory 
participation, but it may also be that you could have had a successful meals 
program with a different work expectation.  If you haven't tested both 
hypotheses, you can't know the answer to that.
 
I feel that it is important for members of forming communities to know that, 
based on our experience, there is more than one way to ensure a successful 
meals program.
 
 
Jenny Cook
Great Oak Cohousing
Ann Arbor, Michigan
 
 
-----Original Message-----
From: cohousing-l-request [at] cohousing.org
To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
Sent: Wed, 29 Nov 2006 2:25 PM
Subject: Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 34, Issue 33


Message: 2
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2006 10:29:42 -0800 (PST)
From: Bonnie Fergusson <fergyb2 [at] yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Contribute to cooking common meals
To: Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
Message-ID: <827852.40542.qm [at] web60818.mail.yahoo.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1

The trouble with making Common Meal cooking voluntary is that too many people 
will opt out because it involves a lot of work, and they don't initially 
realize how important it is, but common meals are not primarily about quality 
of food and skill of the cooks-- they serve a major community building 
function.  Many people have not cooked for large numbers of people before 
moving in to cohousing and are afraid of it so may resist this requirement.  
But once you've done it a few times it stops being scary and is another way of 
bonding with your community.  A very old and primal way I might add.  Sharing 
food is a way of welcoming and bonding with people in all human groups around 
the world.  It works well in Cohousing too.

Bonnie Fergusson
Swans Market Cohousing
Oakland, CA


------------------------------

Message: 3
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2006 10:33:23 -0800
From: "Eris Weaver" <erisw [at] sonic.net>
Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Contribute to cooking common meals
To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
Message-ID: <000001c713e4$e1f5c4c0$e85a8e40 [at] sonic.net>
Content-Type: text/plain;   charset="us-ascii"

Tree said:
> Make a policy ASAP that everyone will contribute to cooking
> common meals.

To which Chris ScottHanson replied:
> In my opinion this is not necessary...<snip>
> My suggestion is that meals be considered voluntary....<snip>
> If you have grass and it needs to be mown, you don't want everyone to 
> participate
> in mowing the grass.  Same for boiler maintenance, or gutter repair.  Why 
> should
> meals be any different? 

Eris talking now:
I have to respectfully disagree with Chris. Meals are a big component of the 
glue that holds our community together. Every one of our members cooks dinner 
once a month. That means we have meals FOUR times a week.  This was one of the 
things that we consensed upon WAY in the beginning, before we even had land. We 
have HIGH attendance at meals, 40-50 people (in a community of 30 households). 
Our meals are social, served family-style, and an opportunity to hang out, see 
what's up with each other, etc. Many folks here would mention our common meals 
as one of the best things about living in community. Our community has a 
reputation for being particularly close-knit, and part of what contributes to 
this is that we have always engineered in these kinds of social opportunities.

While doing maintenance and landscaping work together can indeed be community 
building, it's true it doesn't matter if everyone takes a turn mowing the lawn. 
If cooking was voluntary, and only the people who loved to cook did it, we'd 
have WAY fewer meals and WAY fewer opportunities to connect and bond with each 
other in this way.

(Earlier this year, Miss Manners did a column in which she proffered HER 
definition of a family.  "A family, by Miss Manners's standards, is a group of 
people that takes nightly and weekend meals together. It is then and there, 
asking one another to pass the beans, arbitrating who gets the drumstick and 
pretending to be interested in each one's adventures of the day, that families 
are forged." By this definition, FrogSong is more of a family than the one I 
grew up in!)

*******************************************
Eris Weaver
Facilitation & Group Process Consultant
phone/fax 707-795-2157
erisw [at] sonic.net
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