Cohousing-L Mailing List: Conflicts and mediation

[Michael Black (mblack]

Greetings,

Here at Yulupa Cohousing we have a Heart Team, which used to be called the
Conflict Management Committee. A couple of us have had experience mediating
conflicts in a community setting. Some of us are trained or training in NVC
and there is one therapist among us.

Everyone who is a member here has signed our vision and values statement and
our community life agreements. These include a commitment to addressing
conflicts and utilizing the Heart Team when a one on one communication does
not work. The Heart Team is also involved in "watching the vibes" within the
community and suggesting activities or events that can move us past our
present limitations.

We have been fortunate to be able to assist in the situations that have
occurred here without utilizing an outside mediator. Perhaps a 3-way split
would be fair if the community team is not successful and an outside
mediator is required. The rationalization for the community to pay 1/3 is
obvious: the spirit of the community is compromised when a conflict is
maintained within the community.

We also have a "Heart keeper" at every general meeting. The function of the
heart keeper is to pay attention to the use of language and its' affect on
others. We are all becoming more aware of how to use "I statements" and how
to drop into our hearts when addressing others we are having differences
with or who are holding different positions on issues than we are. The heart
keeper is a person who volunteers for a single meeting, since the position
helps members to focus on the use of language. Of course the Heart Team or
any other member can call out "heart keeper" to bring conversation to a
temporary halt in order to address comments that are charged with negative
energy.

The Heart Team also has a place on our bulletin board where we post
quotations and we sometimes send out emails reminding ourselves about the
danger of judging others, the need for patience, forgiveness and for
dropping our stories that limit both ourselves and others.

Michael Black
Yulupa Cohousing



> Jean Weiss wrote:
>  
>> Greetings, All:
>> Pleasant Hill Cohousing "Connection and Conflict Resolution Team" here. 
>> Seeking copies of documents that outline clear and effective
>> steps/procedures/policies for managing conflict within your community.  We
>> are just beginning to create well-defined protocols for how folks in conflict
>> proceed.  We would like to address not only 1:1 interpersonal conflicts but
>> also set up systems for larger bodies in dispute: an individual vs. a
>> committee, committee vs. committee, committee vs. HOA, etc. 
>> We're currently involved in broad-based NVC training at Pleasant Hill CoHo
>> and already have a solid written document offering tips and suggestions for
>> how to handle 1:1 conflict intra- and inter-personally.  It focuses on
>> working with emotions and communications skills.  What we're lacking are
>> systems and policies.
>> Of particular interest to us are policies regarding the engagement of
>> professional mediation services.  What steps do folks have to go through to
>> get to the step of professional mediation?  Are folks who find themselves in
>> an ongoing conflict "required" to go through mediation?  Who pays for it? 
>> How is that determined?
>> If committees themselves are in conflict, who arbitrates?  When and how do
>> such matters come to HOA?  We are lucky not to be facing such sweeping or
>> dire situations right now, but wish to have systems in place that will guide
>> us if and when we ever have to face them.  
>> Thanks for any and all offerings.  My email is jbeanweiss [at] juno.com.
>> With gratitude and blessings,
>> Jean Weiss,
>> CCRT Chair