Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Seeking advice re mentally ill community member

[Fred H Olson (fholson]

Sharon Villines <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com>
is the author of the message below.
It was posted by Fred the Cohousing-L list manager <fholson [at] cohousing.org>
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This is an extremely difficult situation in which all involved seem to
have done their absolute best to resolve. There is no neglect or
instances where anyone could have tried harder.

But it is also one that confronts us with our own inability to help
others who do not want to be helped. This is very difficult.  We like
to believe that if we are just open and welcoming and loving all the
world's problems will be resolved. A case like this shows us that
sometimes we have to act in self-defense regardless of the effect on
others.

Some arguments you can use with people:

If the group does not act in self-defense, it will be injured. This is
an accident waiting to happen -- more than an accident -- this is a
violent situation. If she had a gun, there would be no question what
any individual would do. And she could easily obtain a gun.

This woman cannot be controlled or reasoned with. She cannot control or
reason with herself. She needs a sheltered restricted environment. The
older she gets without supervision and medication, the more limited her
options will be. Delaying treatment will not help her. Her mother did
not cause this and the group cannot correct it.

This _is_ a physical illness. Like someone with diabetes or epilepsy,
she need medications. And a structured environment that will help her
live with her illness.

One way to help people understand how violent this situation is is to
bring up the children -- do you want this woman seducing your
teenagers? 12 year old boys? 10 year old girls? Using your car to kill
someone or herself? Giving her medications to your children? Kidnapping
a child to go play in the woods with her?

One option is to set clear guidelines for behavioral expectations in
the community and ask those who want to keep her there to enforce those
expectations. Transfer the responsibility to them. But a more immediate
resolution may be necessary. Someone may need to make the decision for
the group -- act first and talk about it later.

We did have a teenager who was stealing from the commonhouse, violent
in his own household when restrictions were placed on him, sleeping in
the CH during the day when he was supposed to be in school, etc. And an
adult son of a another resident who was trying to live in the CH during
the day. Also who would not take his medications. In both instances we
had the parents permission to call the police if they did not leave
when asked. The parents were committed to treatment -- it was just hard
to control the kids. And in once instance to find him.

My heart goes out to you, but this is not something that should be
allowed to continue for one minute. You are only hurting her as well as
yourselves.

Sharon
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Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org