Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Seeking advice re mentally ill community member

[Fred H Olson (fholson]

Elana Kann <ekann [at] bellsouth.net>
is the author of the message below.
It was posted by Fred the Cohousing-L list manager <fholson [at] cohousing.org>
--------------------  FORWARDED MESSAGE FOLLOWS --------------------


Dear Diana,

Wow. Everyone doing the best they know how, yet the mess is getting deeper.
I agree with Sharon that this needs an intervention of some sort, and
quickly.

The closest I've experienced was a housemate in a collective household who
had multiple personality disorder and did not tell us until about a month
after moving in. The rest of us had been baffled by her strange behavior at
times, especially her not remembering what one of us had asked of her or
what she had said she'd do. We sat down with her, got more information from
her about her disorder and the treatment program she was in. We asked her to
keep certain agreements that we actually expected of any of us but had not
had to articulate before--basic things that we needed from her in order to
function together as a household without major disruption to any of the rest
of us. She said she would try, and she wrote down what we were asking of her
to take to her therapist for help. She really worked at it, but she just
couldn't do it even with help. Her different personalities were not all
present when any of us had a conversation with her, and when another
personality surfaced she would behave very differently with no memory of the
previous conversation. So there were serious disconnects and she had no
ability to remember or keep commitments. A couple months later we
regretfully (because we liked her) asked her to leave, which she did, on
friendly terms.

So here was someone who was acknowledging her condition (except hadn't told
us before moving in with us!), in therapy and possibly even taking
medication, and still could not meet the minimal behavior standards for
sharing our house. We had compassion for her, and at the same time we knew
our limits and set them.

At Westwood we have one member who at times strongly challenges our
unwritten behavioral norms, and in a way I see it as doing us a favor. It is
forcing the community to think about, discuss openly, and write down our
basic behavior expectations for ANYONE living here. I think this exercise,
painful as it is, makes us stronger, because as we become more conscious of
it we also raise our standards to a healthier level and learn to set the
boundaries. This work might be in preparation for drawing more of a line
with this person, but it will be in the context of what we expect of anyone,
not singling him out. Very tricky stuff nonetheless.

I wonder if it would help your discussion Sunday if you invite your neighbor
who's a mental health professional to your meeting to share his
information--or someone else knowledgeable whom everyone might respect and
listen to. Gaining an understanding of the woman's condition and thinking
through various what-ifs might lead to greater clarity for everyone
concerned. Earthaven's well-being has to be paramount.

Do you already have standards for behavior of community members? Do you hold
each other to them? Perhaps you need another set of minimal standards for
anyone who is visiting, so that you are not singling her out but letting her
know what she (along with others) needs to comply with in order to be on the
property, and what the consequence would be of not doing so. Being on the
property needs to be a privilege, reserved for those who can respect certain
conduct codes that are clearly spelled out. Maybe it would help those who
have befriended her to think first in more general terms, before narrowing
it down to how it all applies to her. I would think self-harming, substance
abuse, entering homes without permission, stealing or borrowing without
permission, disturbing residents' sleep, unprotected sex without testing for
STD's--all these are dangerous to the community's well-being and would
violate any thoughtful visitor's code that you could come up with.

I hope this helps! I hope you make progress on Sunday.

Love, Elana