Cohousing-L Mailing List: hurting others, Subj: limited-access events in common space

[Monty Berman (mberman116]

         Sharon Villines, with whom I have had rewarding exchanges, ends her 
response to the subject of "limited-access events in common space" by saying, 
So if I were a member of a group that decided it only wanted the "six of us" 
and no one else was allowed to 
join and we met in the CH, it would be very obvious and hurtful to at least 
some other members.

  After debating whether I should raise this, evidently I decided to go ahead. 
The paragraph ends with it would be very obvious and hurtful to at least some 
other members. I make the distinction between actually feeling hurt as against 
having some old unresolved feeling activated or simply not liking what someone 
is saying to or about you. I once was very, very embarrassed at something my 
wife-at-the-time shared about me. I coulda killed her,AND she was oblivious to 
the distress I experienced (until, of course, I told her about it). So, my 
point is that she didn't hurt me; rather I struggled with the embarrassment of 
what impression others would have of me given the remark. In all, I see it as 
more of where I am at with myself rather than how people act towards or around 
me. 

Monty

 

Monty Berman  EcoVillage at Ithaca, NY

 

Message: 2
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 2010 11:31:55 -0500
From: Sharon Villines <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com>
Subject: Re: [C-L]_ limited-access events in common space
To: Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
Message-ID: <BE473C08-F31E-49EE-8481-6B757A49A827 [at] sharonvillines.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII; format=flowed; delsp=yes
 
 
On Feb 21, 2010, at 8:22 AM, Jessie Kome wrote:
 
> Our community has engagement with the greater neighborhood and the 
> world written into our vision statement. Many of us feel that 
> having guests into this community spreads the word about cohousing, 
> LEED certification, and increases our voice and ability to change 
> the world for the better.
 
I think the question was not about "outside" community events but 
about some members setting up their own exclusive group that meets in 
the CH.
 
We have lots of community groups meeting in our CH on a one time or 
ongoing basis - neighborhood associations, the green this and that, 
the electric car society, the bike trail people, etc. Even they are 
rarely exclusive groups, however. Other than extended family events, I 
can remember only one that members were not invited to join. And some 
extended family events invite us to join too. One extended family used 
to have family dinner on Easter and several members became regular 
attendees and looked forward to it every year.
 
It may also make a difference in terms of how your commonhouse is set 
up. Ours is very open. No group could meet in the dining room or 
living room without being observed by anyone walking through to get 
their mail, do the laundry, etc. So if I were a member of a group that 
decided it only wanted the "six of us" and no one else was allowed to 
join and we met in the CH, it would be very obvious and hurtful to at 
least some other members.
 
At Eastern Village, in contrast, there are lots of nooks and crannies 
where people could meet and no one else would ever know about it.
 
Sharon
----
Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org