Cohousing-L Mailing List: "process junkies" versus not [WAS resolving conflict]

[Eris Weaver (eris]

Rob Sandelin wrote:
> One of the dichotomies of cohousing is there are process people who like
to
> talk about feelings and process conflicts and so living in a cohousing
group
> feeds that. The other side are people who want a secure and comfortable
> place where they have friendly neighbors, but do not have very much, if
any,
> interest in personal growth sorts of things.
> 
> The process people (and I am one) tend to expect everybody to be the
former
> because that is THEIR expectation of what community is about. Yet
cohousing
> is a big tent, much bigger in many ways than other forms of intentional
> community, and so lack of energy towards processing emotional stuff has
more
> space. You do not have to deal with peoples dramas or group dramas if you
> don't want to. The process people will jump right in, but there are likely
> people who did not move into your group to do group therapy and may even
> resent being expected to do so, and to a non-process oriented person,
> "group conflict resolution" often  looks and smells like group therapy.

Rob raises an important point. 

However, I think that you CAN find ways to work on conflict and process
stuff with BOTH types of people together, if you frame it right.

Even though I am a process consultant, I am actually NOT by nature a
"process person." There are many things I would much rather do with my
neighbors - hike, dance, eat, drink - than process feelings. I am also
interested in efficiency and efficacy - let's get the meetings and work done
so we can go out and play! The key in connecting folks like me with the
process junkies is this: if you spend some time attending to these issues
and improving your skills so that you can do so more effectively, you will
actually end up having to spend LESS time processing and more time doing the
fun stuff! 

Language is also important. I've found that I can dish up the exact same
exercise or presentation but with different framing, and have very different
kinds of people appreciate it.

An example: I was brought in by one community to do some conflict resolution
and process work. I was told that in general this group did NOT like "woo
woo", touchy-feely stuff and would not put up with it. At the end of the
day, the person who had been identified as the LEAST "woo woo" came up to me
and told me how much she enjoyed the day, and how much she appreciated that
I was NOT "woo woo." Then she told me that her FAVORITE thing we did was the
guided visualization...which was actually the MOST "woo woo" thing that I
did!  (Of course I hadn't CALLED it a " guided visualization"... it's all in
the framing!!)

OH, no, have I divulged my secrets? <grin>
eris, the non-process process person

------------------------------
Eris Weaver, Facilitator & Group Process Consultant
eris [at] erisweaver.info
707-338-8589
http://www.erisweaver.info


fa cil' i tāt: to make easier