Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Locking Doors in the CH

[Eris Weaver (eris]

> What rooms in your common house are locked and for what reason?

Here at FrogSong, there are NO rooms in our common house that are locked,
with the exception of guest rooms when they are inhabited. The whole common
house is locked at night. Our workshop, which is in another building, is
locked all the time; this is because there is dangerous stuff there. It is a
separate key from our houses and the common house. Kids aren't allowed in
there, teens only if they've been trained on the equipment and deemed to be
responsible enough to use it safely.

We have no televisions in the common house. We DID have long conversations
when the kids were younger, asmany of our households do not have TVs and did
not want their kids to have access to them. So it was a conscious choice NOT
to have TV in the Common House. We do gather to watch certain shows in
individual homes. We do have a VCR/DVD player set up in the CH so that we
can have movie nights.

Some of us (in the minority) would like to lock up the liquor. No major
problems so far.

> Some believe that to do anything other than what a parent requests is "not
being
> supportive of parents."

Ah, but what if what ONE parent requests is the opposite of what ANOTHER
parent would want? 


In my past life, I was a librarian. Public libraries have for years
discussed the similar issue regarding what resources should be accessible to
children, given that different parents have different standards about what
they want their kids to read, watch, etc. The American Library Association's
position is that it is NOT the library's job to act in loco parentis, but to
make resources freely available to all...if parents do not want their
children to read certain things, it is their job to supervise them.

I think a similar attitude would be wise in cohousing. Given different
parenting styles and rules, it is not the community's job to figure out how
to enforce them all. If it's OK with me that my kids watch TV in the common
house, why should it be locked because you 1) don't want yours to watch it
and 2) don't trust them to follow your rules? 

Health and safety rules can and should be enforced by all - locking things
that are dangerous makes some sense. (I suppose some think that TV is
dangerous.) If I see a kid who is violating a community rule or is doing
something I feel is unsafe I will intervene. If they are doing something
that I think is OK but I suspect that their parents don't want them to do, I
might say something to the kid ("hmm, I thought your mom didn't allow you to
watch TV?") and then I might rat them out to their parents, depending upon
the "offense."  All depends upon my relationship to the kid and to their
parents. I do try  not to violate parents' rules although I have probably
given out food treats that might have been forbidden; about this I am
unapologetic.

I think it is part of growing up, sneaking off and trying forbidden things;
we can't - and maybe shouldn't - completely eliminate it.

(Maybe I should admit that I was totally anti-TV when my now-28-year-old was
small...but I knew that I couldn't make other people follow *my* rules in
*their* home.)

------------------------------
Eris Weaver, Facilitator & Group Process Consultant
eris [at] erisweaver.info
707-338-8589
http://www.erisweaver.info

fa cil i tāt: to make easier