Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Locking Doors in the CH

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

This one is long so I'm sending it in a message by itself. 

Eris is a professional facilitator in California and has worked with many 
cohousing and intentional communities as well as other organizations.

She lives in FrogSong in Cotati CA

On May 21, 2013, at 5:54 PM, Eris Weaver <eris [at] erisweaver.info> wrote:

>> What rooms in your common house are locked and for what reason?
> 
> Here at FrogSong, there are NO rooms in our common house that are locked,
> with the exception of guest rooms when they are inhabited. The whole common
> house is locked at night. Our workshop, which is in another building, is
> locked all the time; this is because there is dangerous stuff there. It is a
> separate key from our houses and the common house. Kids aren't allowed in
> there, teens only if they've been trained on the equipment and deemed to be
> responsible enough to use it safely.
> 
> We have no televisions in the common house. We DID have long conversations
> when the kids were younger, asmany of our households do not have TVs and did
> not want their kids to have access to them. So it was a conscious choice NOT
> to have TV in the Common House. We do gather to watch certain shows in
> individual homes. We do have a VCR/DVD player set up in the CH so that we
> can have movie nights.
> 
> Some of us (in the minority) would like to lock up the liquor. No major
> problems so far.
> 
>> Some believe that to do anything other than what a parent requests is "not 
>> being
>> supportive of parents."
> 
> Ah, but what if what ONE parent requests is the opposite of what ANOTHER
> parent would want? 
> 
> In my past life, I was a librarian. Public libraries have for years
> discussed the similar issue regarding what resources should be accessible to
> children, given that different parents have different standards about what
> they want their kids to read, watch, etc. The American Library Association's
> position is that it is NOT the library's job to act in loco parentis, but to
> make resources freely available to all...if parents do not want their
> children to read certain things, it is their job to supervise them.
> 
> I think a similar attitude would be wise in cohousing. Given different
> parenting styles and rules, it is not the community's job to figure out how
> to enforce them all. If it's OK with me that my kids watch TV in the common
> house, why should it be locked because you 1) don't want yours to watch it
> and 2) don't trust them to follow your rules? 
> 
> Health and safety rules can and should be enforced by all - locking things
> that are dangerous makes some sense. (I suppose some think that TV is
> dangerous.) If I see a kid who is violating a community rule or is doing
> something I feel is unsafe I will intervene. If they are doing something
> that I think is OK but I suspect that their parents don't want them to do, I
> might say something to the kid ("hmm, I thought your mom didn't allow you to
> watch TV?") and then I might rat them out to their parents, depending upon
> the "offense."  All depends upon my relationship to the kid and to their
> parents. I do try  not to violate parents' rules although I have probably
> given out food treats that might have been forbidden; about this I am
> unapologetic.
> 
> I think it is part of growing up, sneaking off and trying forbidden things;
> we can't - and maybe shouldn't - completely eliminate it.
> 
> (Maybe I should admit that I was totally anti-TV when my now-28-year-old was
> small...but I knew that I couldn't make other people follow *my* rules in
> *their* home.)
> 
> ------------------------------
> Eris Weaver, Facilitator & Group Process Consultant
> eris [at] erisweaver.info
> 707-338-8589
> http://www.erisweaver.info
> 
> fa cil i tāt: to make easier
>