Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Age-restricted access to common house?

[Beverly Jones Redekop (beverly.jones.redekop]

Thanks Sharon! This is helpful because it is so detailed, honest, and
balanced. I appreciate the time you invested in this answer.

On Sun, Nov 20, 2016, 3:20 PM Sharon Villines <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com>
wrote:

>
> When I got to the end of this message I said to myself. you said kids
> weren’t a problem in the CH and then you list this shocking stuff. But
> consider, this is in 17 years over 3 generations of kids in 43 households.
> Average number of kids is almost constant at 20 though the cluster ages
> vary.  A cluster at 3, then one at 9, and then teenagers. This changes the
> community with each bubble.
>
> >> Currently, our code gets changed each time someone under 13 learns it.
>
> This sounds like setting up a war. We did have one instance of an out of
> control teen giving the code to some friends who years later used it to
> come in watch TV or have sex or both. But no other problems.
>
> All the kids old enough to know the code know it;
>
> > Is it rare to have a separate, locked common house? Is it more common to
> > have homes open into a common house/atrium space?
>
> Approx. half our units have a separate entrance. The rest enter as if
> through a house — an elevator in the front hall next to the dining room.
>
> We used to lock the living room to limit kids unauthorized tv time and
> little kids room was locked to keep children out unless adults had unlocked
> the room for them (and thus agreed to supervise clean up and lock up.
>
> We used to lock the game room when we had a number of kids 10-13. We
> feared for the equipment and like the living room's unauthorized Wii and
> game box playing.
>
> We lock the office to keep the computer things from being stolen or
> broken. Community admin files are also kept there.
>
> The workshop is locked for safety. One community said their workshop users
> are only given key after the person supervising it does an orientation with
> them so they know where things are, understand how to use the tools, and
> what the responsibility entails.
>
> All adults have the CH interior key and teens are usually allowed to use
> it freely.
>
> >> Do the ten-year-olds cause mayhem and destruction (more so than
> residents
> >> 13+?). I think I want to advocate to drop our age restriction, but I am
> >> open to learning from other communities that age restrictions are
> helpful.
>
> No. Never that I remember. And I would have remembered if it had. I listed
> the worst below. Personally, I’m not so worried about teenaged behavior. If
> it happens again, let’s talk. Every kid does weird things one time. If
> adults make a big fuss, kid won’t won’t do it again. They got what they
> wanted.
>
> The worst came from the same household and the boys were already in
> treatment: A 16 year old boy took the DVR in the living room as a present
> for his girl friend. A 16-year-old damaged some door locks trying to get
> computer access. He was having anger issues that his father who had
> restricted his computer access. Both had identified behavioral problems
> that were being addressed.
>
> One 9 year old boy peed in a bowl on the TakeItOrLeaveIT table and didn’t
> understand why others didn’t see this as a big joke. At that age my son
> probably wouldn’t have done the peeing but would have rolled on the floor
> laughing and the kids would have talked about it for years.
>
> If you want kids to be part of the community, they have to be part of the
> community. There isn’t any ceremony that happens at 18 to declare the child
> a cohouser. That’s too late.
>
> Our standard for kids: use the room for the activities it's designed for.
> Don’t play in the kitchen.
>
> Our standard is adult behavior, as in "the living room has furniture
> designed for adult behavior in meetings and watching TV. If you want to
> jump round and swing over the sofa back, go to the  game room.” Or home.
> Some parents encourage gym behavior on furniture but agree that the CH
> standards are different.
>
> The standard incident would be nothing more than not putting away the
> toys, which looks destructive but is easily fixed.
>
> One idea is to invite kids (all of them) to a meeting and discuss behavior
> in the CH. Do rounds — What do  you expect? Do you think everyone in this
> group could do what we expect? Kids are honest. And experience in lots of
> contexts shows children being much more restrictive with peers than adults
> are.
>
> Sharon
> ----
> Sharon Villines
> Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
> http://www.takomavillage.org
>
>
>
>
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