Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 197, Issue 14

[Barbara Simkowski (barbara_simkowski]

May I use this list for simple advice? We are Villlage Hearth Cohousing in 
Durham, NC. In a few days our laundry room will open for business. Need to find 
an allergy-friendly, eco-friendly, perfume-free laundry product that I can 
stock in our laundry room. Advice?

Barbara

Sent from my iPhone

> On Jun 13, 2020, at 6:16 AM, cohousing-l-request [at] cohousing.org wrote:
> 
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> Today's Topics:
> 
>   1. Re: bullying behavior (Elizabeth Magill)
>   2. Re: Coho Presentation request (Jerry Koch-Gonzalez)
>   3. cohousers for racial justice tomorrow 930am pdt (Alan O'Hashi)
> 
> 
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Message: 1
> Date: Fri, 12 Jun 2020 13:39:26 -0400
> From: Elizabeth Magill <pastorlizm [at] gmail.com>
> To: Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
> Subject: Re: [C-L]_ bullying behavior
> Message-ID:
>    <CAEiam=Jh8qdj9eocaO=fpz-wu6sPuGuXoBUyyV9vSYwFzPVreA [at] mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="UTF-8"
> 
> I see that we have good advice to parents, but in my experience the
> parents who many are frustrated with don't actually want any advice on
> parenting.
> 
> If the child who is perceived as a bully had parents coming to the
> community saying "please help me" then there would not be a conflict
> to discuss.
> 
> Parents in cohousing want to solve problems by having other parents
> parent differently. In ordinary neighborhoods I think that is less
> common. We accept that other parents do things "wrong" (by our
> standards) and we help our kids figure out how to deal with the
> kids--or we don't help them--whatever our parenting style is.
> 
> So in many cases the conflict here in cohousing comes down to a parent
> wanting something different from another parent.
> 
> Which brings us down to basic conflict resolution--
> 1) you have to talk to the person to hear what is going on and to ask
> them to change their behavior. They may or may not, but the definitely
> won't if you don't ask. (And we can help you have the conversation.)
> 2) the only thing you can actually change is yourself
> 
> Liz
> Mosaic Commons Cohousing
> 
>> On Fri, Jun 12, 2020 at 12:29 PM Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L
>> <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
>> 
>>> On Fri, Jun 12, 2020 at 8:40 AM CJ Q <homeschoolvideo [at] gmail.com> wrote:
>>> 
>>> I appreciate your help since some of our children are hurting and all the
>>> parents are having a hard time getting along right now (and are hurt too)
>> 
>> Stories:
>> 
>> 1. Two grandchildren I was caring for part of each day were in frequent 
>> conflict. One was (always) the aggressor and the other (always) crying. My 
>> automatic response was to comfort the crier and scold the aggressor. One day 
>> it (finally) occurred to me if people act the way they feel, that the 
>> aggressor was feeling aggressed upon whether I saw it or not. I started 
>> responding to her as if she was crying instead of misbehaving. It not only 
>> worked but she confirmed the whole dynamic. She understood it but wasn?t 
>> able to change MY behavior.
>> 
>> 2. Another child I had spent considerable amounts of time with was having 
>> difficulty in school. He was very bright and at my house frequently worked 
>> in workbooks, had drawing projects, and listened to and played music. He 
>> played well with others. He was focused and happy. When he was of school 
>> age, he was enrolled in a bilingual Montessori school and placed in a 
>> classroom with children above his age because he was so smart and knew so 
>> much. The school was very permissive and the children encouraged to be free 
>> spirits.
>> 
>> Things didn?t go well at all ? he disrupted in the classroom by interfering 
>> with the work of others and didn?t focus on his own projects. This went on 
>> for several years as his parents supported the bi-lingual, bi-cultural 
>> environment. He was finally diagnosed as ADHD and enrolled in a more 
>> structured private school that had experience with such problems. The 
>> diagnosis never made sense to me. He was not ADHD.
>> 
>> After he had been in the new school for a few months and was happy there, I 
>> asked him why the new school was better. He said, Because I don?t have to 
>> decide every morning what I want to do. We have a schedule and we all know 
>> what?s next. He was now part of a group that did things together. The day 
>> was predictable and inclusive. He was even better a few years later then 
>> they entered him in a new school at a lower grade. As one of the older 
>> students instead of by far the youngest, he suddenly became a social star.
>> 
>> ????
>> 
>> Thus, I think there might be ways to shape the behavior of the bullying and 
>> abusive kids without telling them how to behave. That just irritates the 
>> parents who think kids will be better people if they learn all life?s 
>> lessons the hard way and anti-social behavior means they are expressing 
>> their own true nature and developing independence and strength.
>> 
>> Explaining behavior, reactions, feelings, etc., to them might work better. 
>> Schedule some supervised and structured group activities where they learn 
>> how to enjoy being part of a group. Focus on the feelings of the aggressors 
>> and at least as much as those of the criers.
>> 
>> Sharon
>> ----
>> Sharon Villines, Historic Takoma Park, Washington DC
>> Where all roads lead to Casablanca
>> 
>> _________________________________________________________________
>> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at:
>> http://L.cohousing.org/info
>> 
>> 
>> 
> 
> 
> -- 
> -Liz
> (The Rev. Dr.) Elizabeth Mae Magill
> Pastor, Ashburnham Community Church
> Minister to the Affiliates, Ecclesia Ministries
> www.elizabethmaemagill.com
> 508-450-0431
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> Message: 2
> Date: Fri, 12 Jun 2020 18:55:49 -0400
> From: Jerry Koch-Gonzalez <jerry [at] sociocracyforall.org>
> To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
> Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Coho Presentation request
> Message-ID:
>    <CAPpwHXNByRDNANRKeXZ0tCq6YxtBaU1Sz1PLOqOy0x9X8z77sQ [at] mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="UTF-8"
> 
> One of us from Sociocracy For All can give a presentation on Sociocracy to
> your group. Ted Rau and I, co-founders of Sociocracy For All, live at the
> 26-year old Pioneer Valley Cohousing Community in Massachusetts which has
> been operating sociocratic ly for years. We have also helped many cohousing
> communities adopt sociocracy.
> There?s lots or articles and videos freely accessible at the
> sociocracyforall.org website and you can schedule a conversation with at
> https://talktojerry.youcanbook.me to talk about a presentation.
> Jerry Koch-Gonzalez
> Pioneer Valley Cohousing, Amherst, MA
> 
> On Fri, Jun 12, 2020 at 8:26 AM Victoria Urban Village <
> victoriaurbanvillage [at] gmail.com> wrote:
> 
>> We are a newly developing cohousing project in Victoria, BC. We have 5
>> associate members and hold 3 monthly meetings: coho 101, associate member
>> meeting, and topic presentation - all through zoom. We are looking for
>> people to offer one hour presentations on consensus decision making and
>> sociocracy, along with other topics such as your own experience in
>> developing a coho community, large vs. small community membership,
>> important steps to develop, etc. We have every intention to contract a
>> consultant at the right point in time. It would be good to know when that
>> point is, etc. If you have thoughts of other topics, either that you may
>> want to present, or want to suggest, please let me know. We?re all ears at
>> this point! Thank you in advance. Devorah Kahn, Victoria Urban Village
>> 
>> When life gives you more than you need, build a bigger table not a higher
>> fence.
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> _________________________________________________________________
>> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at:
>> http://L.cohousing.org/info
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> --
> ?
> Jerry Koch-Gonzalez  413-687-5444
> Co-Founder
> , Sociocracy For All <http://sociocracyforall.org/> and  New England NVC
> <http://newenglandnvc.org/>
> Founding Resident, Pioneer Valley Cohousing Community
> <http://cohousing.com/>
> 
> To talk to me about sociocracy or NVC, go here:
> https://talktojerry.youcanbook.me
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> Message: 3
> Date: Fri, 12 Jun 2020 19:43:58 -0600
> From: Alan O'Hashi <adoecos [at] yahoo.com>
> To: CoHoList <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
> Subject: [C-L]_ cohousers for racial justice tomorrow 930am pdt
> Message-ID: <51216A21-BF3E-48DD-AB24-72102144DA86 [at] yahoo.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain;    charset=us-ascii
> 
> The Cohousers for Racial Justice group that formed last week is convening 
> again tomorrow - Saturday - 930am PDT sign on to this Zoom room
> 
> https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZMvcuytqDssGdbhx2Y0pn2SkT1Mp5_YAb28
> 
> Alan O'Hashi - Cyber Office
> Get Up Off the Couch
> www.alanohashi.com
> www.getupoffthecouch.com
> Colorado..303-910-5782
> Wyoming. 307-316-2113
> Nebraska..402-327-1652
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> Subject: Digest Footer
> 
> _________________________________________________________________
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> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> End of Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 197, Issue 14
> ********************************************