Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Why we can’t get it right once and for all

[Martie Weatherly (mhweatherly]

Yes Lisa, and I see you include the Cooperative Culture Handbook which makes 
the point that consensus includes personal growth for us all. Good reference!

Martie


Health and Wellness Coach
Consensus Coach
coachmartie.com


-----Original Message-----
>From: Lisa Kuntz <lisa.kuntz [at] gmail.com>
>Sent: Mar 29, 2021 12:44 PM
>To: Martie Weatherly <martiew [at] earthlink.net>, Sharon Villines via 
>Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
>Subject: Re: [C-L]_  Why we can’t get it right once and for all
>
>I appreciate both of these posts.
>
>Sharon, even those who don’t read How Emotions are Made can benefit from 
>knowing that the different points of view each of us bring to cohousing are 
>based in our vastly differing life experiences.
>
>It takes remarkable maturity and a lot of patience to actually welcome 
>different points of view without reacting!
>
>Sharon’s paragraph below is a great summary:
>
>"The synchronization of realities is important and takes time. You have to 
>give your brain and everyone else's brain time to do that. A few decisions can 
>be made on the basis of current information but writing them in stone is 
>unlikely to be workable. Exploring and understanding realities is likely to be 
>more fruitful. To the extent that considering rules does that, it can be a 
>good practice. But it needs to be done in a way that enhances bonding, not 
>sets up fences.”
>
>Most of us don’t come into cohousing with this knowledge embedded in our life 
>experience. We have to learn how to be in community. We do have to give our 
>brains time to adjust, maybe a LOT of time!
>
>Maturity is the ability to see the similarities and differences in any 
>situation and the ability to integrate them.
>
>That sounds a lot like successful consensus.
>
>Communities and individuals both have to evolve a level of maturity in order 
>to be successful and resilient, and that takes effort and skill.
>
>Lisa Kuntz
>Daybreak Cohousing
>Portland, OR
>
>Other resources:
>Together Resilient: Building Community in the Age of Climate Disruption, 
>Ma’ikwe Ludwig
>
>The Cooperative Culture Handbook: A Social Change Manual to Dismantle Toxic 
>Culture & Build Connection, Yana Ludwig & Karen Gimnig (companion book to the 
>the award-winning Together Resilient)
>
>The “toxic culture” she refers to is competitive, hyper-individualistic 
>mainstream culture.
>
>
>
>
>
>> On Mar 29, 2021, at 9:02 AM, Martie Weatherly <mhweatherly [at] 
>> earthlink.net> wrote:
>> 
>> I am adding to Sharon's post on why we can't write all the rules of our 
>> community before move in. I assume the premise for getting all the rules 
>> right is that we want people who believe as we do about the important 
>> things. 
>> 
>> That misses the point that consensus welcomes different points of view. The 
>> underlying value in being a collaborative community is to honor and respect 
>> different points of view looking for a solution that is the best one for the 
>> whole community at that time. 
>> 
>> Therefore it seems to me that trying to get all the rules in place before 
>> will not work because there will still be differences of opinion that you 
>> will have to work out. The ability to do that is the heart of consensus. 
>> Best to learn that before move in and you will have a foundation to resolve 
>> differences. 
>> 
>> Martie Weatherly
>> 
>> Health and Wellness Coach
>> Consensus Coach
>> coachmartie.com
>> 
>> 
>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
>>> Sent: Mar 28, 2021 5:40 PM
>>> To: Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
>>> Cc: Sharon Villines <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com>
>>> Subject: [C-L]_ Why we can’t get it right once and for all
>>> 
>>> A nerdy post for a Sunday but I’ve discovered why I resist the idea that 
>>> you can define the rules of your community before you commit to move-in, or 
>>> as one community did, write ALL the rules before too many people get 
>>> involved. (“Too many” was more than three.)
>>> 
>>> Each of us constructs our own reality that changes moment-to-moment with 
>>> new information. People coming together in a new organization, assembling 
>>> themselves in a new order, and taking a new direction, will be most 
>>> successful if they can synchronize their realities—not conform them but 
>>> make room for them. That can’t be done by setting down rules. Everyone has 
>>> a different idea about what they are getting into and those ideas change 
>>> throughout the  process.
>>> 
>>> "How Emotions Are Made” by psycho-neurologist Lisa Barrett presents the 
>>> findings of current research on how the brain works — how the brain forms 
>>> mind. It is a groundbreaking explanation of why the classical models of 
>>> certainty and boundaries don’t work. Why you can’t get it right once and 
>>> for all, or why the perfect answer hasn’t been worked out in 30 years of 
>>> cohousing. It doesn’t work because the classical models of organization 
>>> aren’t true. 
>>> 
>>> Our concepts and expectations (she calls them predictions) about the world 
>>> are defined by each of our brains and are re-formed each time we bring them 
>>> to consciousness (and probably even while we don’t). Re-forming means 
>>> correcting and extending them. Each opinion, response, action, etc means 
>>> re-assembling stored data—not just consulting our stored already polished 
>>> responses. The brain starts this assembling and ordering before we are even 
>>> aware of needing a response. 
>>> 
>>> My analogy, but I think it is accurate: Making a decision is like searching 
>>> a database in which we have stored many terabytes of information in tiny 
>>> bits and pieces. These bits are corrected and added from second to second 
>>> because we perceive new information, form a new piece of emotional reality, 
>>> and have new experiences. With each decision these bits are re-assembled in 
>>> a new unique way to meet the current unique need or goal.
>>> 
>>> Cohousing brings a ton of new experiences that have to be perceived and 
>>> sorted out. Your brain is likely to come up with different responses are 
>>> bound to change in every contact with the group, and certainly change over 
>>> the years of building the community. Concepts of reality and solutions to 
>>> problems will be re-perceived or re-ordered by each person many, many 
>>> times. 
>>> 
>>> The synchronization of realities is important and takes time. You have to 
>>> give your brain and everyone else's brain time to do that. A few decisions 
>>> can be made on the basis of current information but writing them in stone 
>>> is unlikely to be workable. Exploring and understanding realities is likely 
>>> to be more fruitful. To the extent that considering rules does that, it can 
>>> be a good practice. But it needs to be done in a way that enhances bonding, 
>>> not sets up fences.
>>> 
>>> The book is not an easy read but not impossibly technical. The ideas are 
>>> discussed in a more precise vocabulary. (It aligns very nicely with 
>>> Buddhist teachings about the self if you are familiar with those.) 
>>> 
>>> It’s the only book I’ve ever read in which I have 3 bookmarks in addition 
>>> to strategically placed stickies and highlighting. Barrett gives so many 
>>> examples that I get bored and want to move on so I have skipped whole 
>>> chapters. Then find I need to go back and read them. It makes more sense 
>>> when I understand why I need that much detail.
>>> 
>>> "How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain" by Lisa Feldman 
>>> Barrett Ph.D, Neuroscientist in the Psych department at Northeastern.
>>> 
>>> https://amzn.to/39oR55L
>>> 
>>> Sharon
>>> ——— 
>>> Sharon Villines
>>> http://affordablecohousing.com
>>> affordablecohousing [at] groups.io
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>>> 
>>> 
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