Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: background checks

[barb howe (barbndc]

Hi,
I've been looking to join a co-housing community for several years now and
I thought I would weigh in on this discussion because I also have to take
medication on a daily basis. I wouldn't like to think that I would be
considered to be "unfit" to be part of a community with other humans if I
were to stop taking this medication. (I have strong incentives not to do
that anyway because I don't want to get sick).

I certainly see both "sides" to this question but I put "sides" in
quotation marks because I don't think we should think of it as a
dichotomous issue. Many survivors of abuse both want to feel safe and
protected from abusers AND also need to take daily medication themselves.
That's the case for me. I have a high score on the Adverse Childhood
Experiences chart (that's a form doctors use to try to quantify early
childhood trauma) and while there's no direct cause and effect relationship
between abuse/trauma and mental health disorders (genetic predisposition
also plays role), it's not uncommon for survivors to have mental health
issues themselves. So a policy intended to weed out abusers may end up also
weeding out survivors of abuse.

I agree with the person who said something like all life is risk. It is not
possible to create communities that ensure that no abusers get in. Abuse
hides itself extremely well. Most children are abused by members of their
own family. And only a tiny percentage of abusers actually get prosecuted
and convicted resulting in something a background check could pick up on.
As a survivor of abuse myself, if I thought background checks could protect
me from future abuse I would be all for them, but it would just be an
illusion. I think the best any of us can do is try to get to know the new
person as well as you can beforehand and that means simply spending time
with them. There's no form or background check that can substitute for time
spent. If you're around someone long enough and they have toxic behavioral
patterns you will eventually see it. But it takes time.

Thanks for having this conversation and for this listserv.

Barb Howe
(currently in Tampa but looking to move to some co-housing community
somewhere one day)