Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Diversity in Cohousing

[Elizabeth Magill (pastorlizm]

Kathleen I appreciate your contributions to this discussion. One thing
you do that's helpful is name the ways you've been part of the problem
at the same time as you call us to be more aware. Thank you for that.

Also, wanting a list of all micro-aggressions is part of white
dominant culture. We have been raised to believe we should never make
mistakes, and if we'd just learn all the things, we won't make
mistakes. So we ask for lists of things that are, in fact, infinite in
their possibilities.

I was part of a white allies support group for years and one of the
things we did was try to name the things we had done that were
inappropriate and unkind to people who black and brown. So we kind of
created a list like that. One big learning was that it helps to say
I'm sorry and then shut up.
People make mistakes, and going on and on about our good intent
doesn't always help. (This simple trick is not one my strengths; it
takes a lot of practice for me to get over the icky feeling and just
say I'm sorry I won't say that again.)

(I think the book white fragility could have been called white guilt.
We--white people who are trying to be anti-racist--feel so awful when
we make a mistake and so we quick cover it up in any way that we can.
That reaction simply increases the harm.)

There are some things that fit a list format:
--identifying people who are black or brown (and people with
disabilities) as articulate or smart.
--using hurtful labels (there's at least one for every group of
people, they may be allowed to use the word, but those of us outside
the group should not.)
--speaking for people (for example, I can be angry at someone for
saying a racist thing, but I should speak to my own anger at the
statement. Don't presume people can't speak for themselves.)(This is
where I make a lot of mistakes.)
--expecting black and brown people to tell me their stories so I can
use that for my education. There are plenty of books, podcasts,
articles, etc., that I can read and thus not ask people to be
educating me when they are trying to just live their lives.

But mostly, when a person tells you something is inappropriate to say
as white person, or that it hurt, or that it is heard to mean x, don't
argue but listen and believe the person who spoke.

All that said, I've registered for Crystal's class on this since she
is willing to share!

-Liz
(The Rev. Dr.) Elizabeth Mae Magill
mosaic-commons.org
Mosaic Commons Cohousing in Berlin, MA
www.elizabethmaemagill.com
508-450-0431

On Wed, Feb 22, 2023 at 2:54 PM Kathleen Lowry
<kathleenlowrylpcclmft [at] gmail.com> wrote:
>
> I would like to see an exhaustive list of micro aggressions. I think in the 
> UK legislators are working on this re gender. I need my consciousness raised 
> . I remember a short list from a class 30 years ago that included things like 
> “holding my purse tighter” (which I think I might have done at one time- no 
> longer!)
> Regarding culture and not gender, etc, I lived in the South and do have black 
> friends. One, a woman in her 60s, every now and then laughs and tells me she 
> and some friends (don’t know the friends “color”) are going out to get “white 
> girl drunk.”  I laughed and didn’t ask what it meant because I figured it 
> would take too long to explain it and take the fun out of it.
> By “like” living with “like” I think it’s about food, entertainment, general  
> lifestyle, (skiing or music?) not much about simply sexual preference etc. At 
> least to me. Anyway, some people like variety, some don’t- but isn’t honoring 
> differences our ultimate challenge as the spiritual (in some sense) beings 
> that we are?
>
> It’s so reassuring and hopeful that we have this discussion. Yes, more 
> perspectives would be super!
>
> > On Feb 22, 2023, at 10:41 AM, Elizabeth Magill <pastorlizm [at] gmail.com> 
> > wrote:
> >
> > I must to admit that I hate the arguments "in favor of tribalism". I
> > dislike the use of the word "tribal".
> >
> > But more than that, I find that white people (I am white and live in a
> > white community) are very interested in using this idea of
> > like-hangs-with-like to speak mostly about race and rarely about other
> > topics.
> >
> > Is it a good idea if people with disabilities mostly live with people
> > with disabilities? Women should only live with women? Queers should
> > only live with queers? Non-christians only live with other
> > non-christians?
> >
> > If that seems absurd, why does it seem "natural" and part of who we
> > are as humans that we should separate based on color of our skin?
> > Please note that the idea of race wasn't even invented until the
> > European "Enlightenment". It has not been natural for humans to use
> > this classification for most of our existence.
> >
> > (Yes, sometimes these groups need affinity groups to gather and chat
> > about the way our culture puts us down.)
> >
> > I believe that we (in existing communities) feel badly that we have
> > created mostly white communities. In order to feel better about
> > ourselves we create a theory that it is natural that we have grouped
> > in this way. (I am included in the "we" here.)
> >
> > Another strategy would be to look at what we have created and think
> > about racial oppression through the lens of  who I am internally (my
> > inner thoughts), interpersonally (how I react to others), systemically
> > (my community's formal agreements), and culturally (our unwritten
> > rules).
> > How did what we did, and didn't do, get us to this place?
> > It hurts to do this work. I have to see the ways I have bought into
> > the white dominant culture even though I don't *want* to do that.
> >
> > Crystal says "There are members of the BIPOC Council
> > (www.bipocicc.org) who are middle class, vegan/vegetarian, and Black.
> > They have gone on community tours and been asked rude questions. They
> > show up at events and feel isolated or tokenized. They live in
> > communities and have the police called on their children. Basically
> > they are subject to microaggressions, and I have always said that is
> > the number 1 reason there is no diversity in intentional
> > communities. It's not worth it."
> >
> > I have to hear Crystals words and think "that's us, that's my
> > community" and try to *see* it when it happens, and then work to
> > change it. I call on all of us to hear Crystals words and rather than
> > defending ourselves, be open up to hearing what she is saying.
> >
> > I hear so much from white people, white people who want to change
> > racism, saying "we don't know any black people so we can't do
> > anything."
> > Actually we, I, know *lots* of white people, caring white people,
> > white people who want to end racism. I'd like to get over my fear of
> > [calling them in] when they fall into the traps of white dominant
> > culture. I'd like to get so that I *appreciate* when people call me in
> > to act, think, learn in better ways.
> >
> > [Calling in is in contrast to "calling out", the idea is to name what
> > they have said that is wrong, but in such a way that they are invited
> > into relationship, rather than breaking off the relationship. I'm
> > pretty sure I got this from Teaching Tolerance magazine about fighting
> > racism in schools.]
> >
> > -Liz
> > (The Rev. Dr.) Elizabeth Mae Magill
> > Mosaic Commons Cohousing, Berlin, MA
> > www.elizabethmaemagill.com
> > 508-450-0431
> >
> >
> >> On Tue, Feb 21, 2023 at 11:28 PM Steve Welzer <stevenwelzer [at] 
> >> gmail.com> wrote:
> >>
> >> Another dimension of the discussion appreciates a different way of looking
> >> at things ... re: there can be a positive sense of tribalism:
> >>
> >> https://stevenwelzer.medium.com/re-diversity-in-cohousing-a4596d3eac25
> >>
> >> Steve Welzer
> >> Altair EcoVillage project
> >> _________________________________________________________________
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> >>
> >>
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