Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Mediating cohousing “neighborly awareness” from becoming surveillance (with CPS calls)

[Kathryn Lowry (kathryn.lowry]

I requested mediation with each individual involved in March after attempts
at in-person conversation became unilateral criticisms of my parenting.
The first CPS call was made three days later.

There’s now a pretense that mediation is happening being presented by the
specific Team constituted by these neighbors, the Team responsible for
setting meeting agendas, ensuring effective governance, and educating
residents about our governance structures.

But what’s really happening is a lot of discussion of scheduling mediation,
scope, and restrictions on who may participate.

Kathryn


On Sat, Oct 11, 2025 at 1:13 PM Linda Gryczan <lindagryczan [at] gmail.com>
wrote:

> Rather than spending time on creating policies that can’t possibly fit
> every situation, I recommend a conversation with the person who keeps
> calling CPS. There are clearly different ideas about taking care of
> children safely, and these could be worked out through Mediation.
>
> Alternately, you could hold a restorative justice circle, where each of
> you has a support person. You would speak of the harm that was caused
> through this action, and they would talk about what was going on that
> caused them to think that CPS was a good solution. The two of you would
> decide on what would make things right.
>
> Do either of these solutions feel like they’re a good fit?
>
> Linda Gryczan
> Helena, MT
>
> Sent from my iPhone
>
> > On Oct 11, 2025, at 1:40 PM, Hafidha Sofia via Cohousing-L <
> cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
> >
> > This is sad and strange. It doesn’t sound like there’s any relationship
> here, hence the calling in of The State.
> >
> > If the community has no language on how to address conflict, that is
> needed soon. It doesn’t matter the situation - there has to be a cultural
> expectation for how people communicate in this community. You can’t have
> some people calling 911, and others calling in family members to intimidate
> and others sending passive aggressive emails on the community email, and
> others publicly shaming…. That’s just chaos. So the community really needs
> to have a prevailing culture that is clear for folks of “this is how we do
> things here,” and then people can opt into that or not.
> >
> > Our community has a trust and communications committee that is charged
> with assembling listening circles, drafting conflict resolution protocols
> and holding “supported conversations” between residents. But first is
> direct communication.  If I have a problem with someone, the expectation is
> I go to them and talk to them - preferably face to face or phone call. Make
> an ask, set a boundary. (It’s incredible how often and how long people will
> be in conflict without ever asking for what they want or stating what their
> boundaries are.)
> >
> > If the parties at odds have direct conversations but find they can’t
> communicate effectively with each other, then that is when the trust and
> communications committee can be called in. They will ask questions and
> listen to the situation from the parties at odds and then determine an
> appropriate next step. They are also checking for whether this problem
> stems from interpersonal or structural. And they are looking for what
> impact this conflict is having on the community. They do not adjudicate or
> make any kind of determination of right / wrong. One or two of the members
> of committee may facilitate or be present for a Supported Conversation to
> help the two parties in conflict be in generative direct communication.
> They might hold a listening circle if more people need to be in the room.
> Hopefully the issues are resolved at this level with the committees support.
> >
> > If things escalate beyond that, and it’s at the point where it’s
> impacting the community, the community leadership may be brought into it.
> The leadership or the trust and communications team might decide to host a
> community circle to discuss the issues or educate people on what’s
> happening and its impact on community life. From that, decisions and an
> action plan to resolve or address the conflict are ideally made.
> >
> > If issue is still not resolved after many months or the situation keeps
> escalating, an outside mediator might be brought in. In worst case
> scenarios, one or both parties may decide to leave the community.
> >
> > Hafidha
> >
> > Sent from my iPhone
> >
> >> On Oct 11, 2025, at 11:39 AM, Kathryn Lowry via Cohousing-L <
> cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
> >>
> >> Hello all,
> >>
> >> I’m seeking guidance on how cohousing communities keep “neighborly
> >> awareness” from drifting into surveillance—especially when it escalates
> to
> >> CPS calls.
> >>
> >> *Context (specific examples):*
> >>
> >>  -
> >>
> >>  Our site was intentionally designed so that *every resident can observe
> >>  community activity from their kitchen window*—a feature we value for
> >>  safety and connection. Yet my neighbors have repeatedly called CPS
> alleging
> >>  neglect *because I rely on the same visibility feature they use* to
> >>  scrutinize my children’s outdoor play.
> >>  -
> >>
> >>  During my *5th week of post-op recovery from knee surgery*, Dad was
> >>  handling *100% of housekeeping and caregiving* for our two children and
> >>  me (temporarily immobilized). During a sudden summer rain, a neighbor
> >>  calmly walked our younger child toward our unit (Dad met them at the
> door)
> >>  while another helped our older child close the sandbox—*no urgency, no
> >>  distress*. Instead of being treated as a normal act of *neighborly care
> >>  during a medically vulnerable period*, the incident was logged as
> *another
> >>  CPS report* alleging neglect.
> >>
> >> *What I’m hoping to learn from this list:*
> >>
> >>  1.
> >>
> >>  *Community Agreements:* Do you have written norms/policies that
> >>  distinguish *mutual visibility for safety* from *surveillance of
> >>  neighbors*? Sample language welcome.
> >>  2.
> >>
> >>  *Reporting Protocols:* How do you channel concerns (e.g., speak
> directly
> >>  first, use a community safety/children’s committee, mediation) before
> >>  external reporting? Any *decision trees* or *cooling-off steps*?
> >>  3.
> >>
> >>  *Privacy & Documentation:* Policies on photographing/recording
> neighbors
> >>  or children, posting to social media, or keeping “incident logs”?
> >>  4.
> >>
> >>  *Design Solutions:* Has anyone adjusted *sightlines, screening,
> signage,
> >>  or play-zone placement* to reduce friction while preserving the
> original
> >>  design intent of casual oversight?
> >>  5.
> >>
> >>  *Family-Centered Practices:* Ways to support *children’s independent
> >>  mobility* (e.g., kitchen-window check-ins, buddy systems) without
> >>  shaming or over-policing parents—especially during *temporary medical
> >>  events* when roles shift.
> >>  6.
> >>
> >>  *Governance & Remedies:* Which committees handle this? What
> *restorative*
> >>  or *educational* steps have you used (e.g., bias/assumption training,
> >>  “assume positive intent” agreements, appreciative check-in channels) to
> >>  reset culture?
> >>  7.
> >>
> >>  *When CPS Is Involved:* If your community has faced *frequent or
> >>  unfounded CPS calls*, how have you responded as a community while still
> >>  honoring good-faith safety concerns?
> >>
> >> If you can share *policy excerpts, onboarding materials, signage
> language,
> >> or flowcharts*, I’d be grateful (on-list or off-list). I’m trying to
> *preserve
> >> our design’s intent—mutual care and informal connection—without
> normalizing
> >> surveillance* or weaponizing visibility against families.
> >>
> >> Thank you for any wisdom and documents you can offer,
> >> *Kathryn Lowry*
> >> _________________________________________________________________
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> >>
> >>
> >>
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