Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: RE: Diversity and values

[Rob Sandelin (robsan]

Mike wrote:
> Rob, seems to me if people
>had to agree at length and in detail about all the subjects you listed, it
>would either be a very small, non-diverse group or it would take forever to
>come to anything like consensus.

The second part of your sentence above, "or it would take forever to 
come to anything like consensus" is the core of the problem I have 
seen, both in my own group and also what has killed forming groups.  
What happens when you get a group of people who want to do 
environmentally sensitive development and 3 people who think cheap and 
fast is best?  If they don't share the same value, (protecting 
environment such as native plants and trees)  consensus takes forever, 
or more likely, people get disgusted over the endless yada yada and 
leave the group.

One example would be corporal punishment.  If a family joined my 
community where the parents beat their kids with sticks, it would cause 
a huge uproar and conflict with the other parents. Since we are already 
through much of the first level of development, have homes built etc. 
we could weather that conflict.  I think in a forming group it would 
cause such a conflict that the group might break apart. In a forming 
group, your investment is very typically very low until substantial 
work is done.  It is really easy to walk away when you have a minimal 
investment.   I heard of one group breaking up over gun ownership and I 
remember when a local community lost a couple members over that issue.

There are things you can disagree about and still live together, but 
people who have major value conflicts might really think twice about 
living in community.  I don't think I would join a group where the 
parents beat their children with sticks and yet, right down the road is 
a family that disciplines their kids by corporal punishment and are 
very committed to that parenting technique as part of their religous 
values.  I can tolerate their value differences because I don't really 
have to deal with them if I don't want to.  In community you are 
constantly involved in everyone's life.  Given that level of 
interaction with each other, people who have major values conflicts are 
in for a potentially unhappy time, and the group is unlikely to be able 
to reach consensus over the values issues.

Communication helps ease the conflicts but if someone came to me and 
said, Rob, your environmentalism and love and concern for the woods is 
really getting in the way of us clearcutting the community forest, it 
would not change my values nor change my viewpoint that clearcutting 
the community forest is unacceptable.  And, if the group voted to clear 
cut the forest, I would have such a HUGE values conflict  that I could 
not live in the community anymore and would sell my home.  The group 
could spend weeks and weeks hearing about my values and trying to 
convince me that the money raised would be the best thing for the 
community, etc.  etc.  but the values I hold would not change.  Values 
are like that, they come from deep within and usually only change very 
slowly over long periods of time.

Tolerance of different opinions or other non-value issues is totally 
required to live in community.  Difference in values is easy to ignore  
until an issue comes up which touches those values and then people 
usually react with strong passions and emotions which can quickly  
escalate into major conflicts.  It is really pretty typical to assume 
everyone who is working in your group holds the same values, and 
sometimes you can get by without ever finding out.  It is very typical 
to avoid subjects you know their are conflicts over, such as pets.  
What happens then is peoples frustrations get buried and resurface in 
other places.  I visited a local group and heard three people make 
comments about their feelings about other members pets, but when I 
asked had the group dealt with pets it was clear that was a subject the 
group did not want to bring up yet. Further questions pointed out that 
pets was an obvious conflict which was being avoided.

The summary: IMHO it is a good idea to identify major values of the 
group EARLY in the process and communicate those values clearly so that 
people who join later know about and can tolerate or agree with those 
values.  This may cause you to have a non-diverse group in some ways 
but it will make it much easier to get your community built.


Rob Sandelin
Sharingwood