Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: Leaving Meetings

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

One of the things I have observed in really outstanding facilitators, is the
ability to touch upon the emotions of the participants in such a way that
they feel honored, respected and engaged. This is what is sometimes referred
to as "dynamic" facilitation, which has impressed me greatly when I have
seen it done. It is sometimes a place that is actually in the facilitators
planning, where they account for and ready themselves for the reactions of
particularly emotionally volatile people. For example, If Kara has a pattern
of carrying a great deal of emotion about things, then I pay attention to
her to look for signs that she might need some assistance getting her
emotions tapped so that she can work with the group. In my experience,
people with this kind of personality are often very easy  to read once you
know this about them. My daughter for example is one of these types, and I
can see a spell coming from her face and body language and tone. Sometimes
these folks feel ashamed or embarrassed and this cause them to flee, in
order to "get themselves together" because they have this mental image that
this emotional outbursting is  a  bad  thing.

Drawing out and honoring this side of someone is the positive side of
working with an emotionally expressive personality. The negative side is
when such folks use their emotional expressions to coerce  an agenda. These
kind of folks are not easy to work with and can really drain everybody.
Again, the well trained facilitator looks for patterns and works with people
and the patterns to make the process work better.

-----Original Message-----
From: cohousing-l [at] freedom2.mtn.org
[mailto:cohousing-l [at] freedom2.mtn.org]On Behalf Of Gretchen Westlight
Sent: Thursday, August 31, 2000 12:56 PM
To: Multiple recipients of list
Subject: Leaving Meetings


Dear Cohorts -

In the 3 years that I've been involved with Cascadia Commons (Portland,
Oregon), we've had occasional instances of someone leaving a business
meeting because they were upset by the way a discussion was going.  I have
done it myself a couple of times, and witnessed others.  What I'm
wondering is how other groups address this.

I'd like to make a distinction between a participant leaving a meeting
because of disinterest (The Law of Two Feet), and a participant leaving
because they were upset (unhappy, hurt, angry, etc.).  I don't think of
the former situation as a problem, but I personally believe that the
latter one usually indicates a breakdown in the consensus process.  I
recognize that sometimes folks walk into a discussion on a difficult or
intensely personal topic primed for conflict, and I don't think it's the
group's responsibility to "rescue" them.  However, any such departure has
an impact on the remaining group, both for the rest of the meeting and
beyond.  If consensus is truly about bringing forth the wisdom of all in
the circle, and someone leaves the circle, then we are not getting the
complete thinking and therefore not making the best decision.  Second-
guessing an absentee doesn't ever cut it.

A related aside: As a result of a big conflagration 1-1/2 years ago, we
added a purple card to our consensus cards.  We call it the "feeling"
card, and it takes precedence over all others (part of our lesson from
this particular conflict was how to humanize our business meetings).  When
someone raises a purple card, they get to express whatever feelings have
come up for them, they are paraphrased/reflected until they feel heard
(sometimes it takes more than one attempt ;-), we refer unresolved issues
to committees or for future discussion (happens rarely), and we return to
business.  Lately folks have been apologizing and explaining if personal
hurt results from incomplete information or misinterpretation, but
generally we do not allow responses/reactions to someone else's purple
card.  It's a little awkward sometimes still, and requires additional
checking in by the facilitator, but it allows for a fuller and more honest
range of experience (emotions about business -- how unique!), and it has
never sidetracked or derailed us.  Since we've been using the purple
cards, we've had far fewer show-stopping outbursts and departures.

Anyhow, I'd like to know how other communities handle it when someone
leaves a meeting because they are upset.  Thanks for taking the time to
share.

- Gretchen Westlight

P.S.  Been in for a month now (we were the first to move in, the day after
we got our keys).  Still lots of boxes and residual stress, but I have
definitely felt a "shift" in my relationships with others (especially
those with whom I never socialized outside of meetings before).  I am
utterly and completely delighted in my 3yo daughter's responses to
cohousing: her phsyical confidence at having a safe environment
immediately outside our front door, her social intrepidness at visiting
other folks (whether or not they have kids), and her astonishing ability
to give informative tours (sometimes to resident members!).  This is why
I'm doing cohousing.  No regrets yet, but still waiting for several
policies to be agreed upon before I'm entirely comfortable.  It's great to
be here!

--
gren [at] agora.rdrop.com               Member of: Cascadia Commons Cohousing
                                           Portland, Oregon
                                           http://www.cascadiacommons.com