Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Problematic Controlling Personalities and Cohousing

[Judy Baxter (BAXTER]

Kay and the inquirer wrote:
<<
> Then we have 
> one or two members who try to dominate the entire group....going off on
> their own tangents without the group's consent and this too is creating
> conflict.  
> Our consultants think that we need to put into place a mediation 
> process for people to deal with interpersonal conflicts that are
affecting 
> the entire group.  

I know of five cases in our community involving third-party intervention.  
Two of them utilized special ad hoc conflict resolution committees, created
upon request; a couple of matters the process committee dealt with, or just
one person sat down with both parties.  I haven't been impressed by the
outcomes, which in practice (whatever the negotiated outcome) have mostly
involved somebody withdrawing (not attending meetings, dropping off
committees) or actually moving out.  
>>

We went through some *Major* conflicts in the first few years.  Twice
we brought in  an outside facilitator (local). The first time the
major result, aside from calming things down, as I remember, was a set
of communication guidelines which helped some people, and were never
consensed on. As I remember it, using I messages, not triangulating,
and "speaking from the heart" were part of them.  I think the
discussion helped.  

The second time, one of our members remembered something in our
contract with our development consultant which resolved the issue. 
ANd one member withdrew, and eventually left, similar to Kay's
experience. I can't remember much about the facilitator, except that
she recommended  some followup visioning, healing, etc. and we never
came to agreement as to what to have her do (and us pay for).

My sense is that bringing in outside facilitators who are not familiar
with cohousing or intentional community is not optimal, as it takes
quite a while to educate them.  When Rob did a workshop (not on
conflict, not as a mediator), however, I felt that he started miles
ahead of people we worked with.  I think there are one or two other
cohousers who do mediation.

Since those events, we have handled stuff ourselves, sometimes better
than others.  We developed a procedure for conflict resolution -
encouraging members to seek mediators within the group, then outside
mediators.  However, a couple of times someone has withdrawn from
participation, and would not initiate the process.

Fifteen years ago I had a practice as a divorce mediator, and I have
been asked to mediate a few times.  Success has varied.  In the case
that worked best, I think being a part of the community helped.

Mediating large group conflicts is very tricky, IMHO.

Hope this helps.

Judy

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Judy Baxter, Monterey Cohousing Community,(MoCoCo) Twin Cities Area, Mpls.,MN

We had over 50 attendees at our 10th anniversary celebration - very
encouraging.

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-- e-mail:      baxter [at] epi.umn.edu
15 homes - 7 new townhomes plus 
        8 coop apartments       in the Mansion (a rehab Georgian building)
(built as a retirement home in 1924 -) which also serves as our Common House
coops moved in 1993, townhomes in 1996
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One 3 BR  townhome may be for sale in spring, a studio size home no
sooner than spring, 
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 Voice Mail for Monterey Cohousing - 952-930-7554
 web page: http://www.jimn.org/mococo/