Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Problematic Controlling Personalities and Cohousing

[Mary E. Faccioli (libmef]

Hi,
With "zen" as your e-mail alias can I assume you're a Buddhist practitioner?  I 
am (as well) and see my involvement in the community as my path.   I believe 
that presenting a façade to the world in an effort to disguise what is truly 
going on with one is somewhat dishonest.  This differs though from having an 
honest emotional experience and then not acting out of it by yelling or raising 
one's voice at others or calling others' ideas bad and wrong.  We are dealing 
with this issue currently in our community so I am interested in the current 
discussion as you can imagine! 

This balance you speak of through self-awareness is very important in my 
estimation, but I wonder, how do you foster this in your community when some 
members have something as complex as an ego problem or as simple as ingrained 
communication habits that happen to put others off or shut them up?  Stepford 
Wives is not desirable, nor is manipulation or game playing, but neither is the 
"honesty" of name-calling or otherwise disrespectful speech aimed at one's 
neighbors, just because their ideas differ from one's own or one is otherwise 
frustrated with whatever is happening.  I have to admit that I have made 
initial judgments that some of my neighbors' ideas were, say, idiotic!  But 
when I then opened up enough to see the validity of their points of view, I've 
been grateful to be part of a system where doing damage with harsh speech is 
actively discouraged.  

Mary Beth Faccioli
East Lake Commons
Atlanta, GA  USA

>>> "Robyn Williams" <zen [at] iinet.net.au> 11/08/00 17:57 PM >>>
While I generally agree with behaviour realisation and modification
strategies I do get tired of the bad press that certain
personalities/temperamens attract.  Some people who present a 'nice'
personality - mild mannered, softly spoken, non-reactive, reserved - can be
manipulative (controlling) and self-serving, working behind the scenes.  The
results can be provocative, even destructive, yet difficult or impossible to
pin.  In my experience there are many nice people who are happy to point the
finger and less inclined to look in the mirror.

As I become more patient and reasonable (hard work!) I am able to observe
that criticisms of my personality often fit the critic very well.  I believe
that our greatest abilities and strengths are the flip-side of our
liabilities and weaknesses.  The challenge is to find the balance through
self-awareness.

Yours from the pulpit
Robyn Williams
Pinakarri Community
Fremantle, Western Australia