Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Yelling and running, was Re: [C-L]_Noise in Common House

[John Ullman (John]

Mabel Liang wrote:           (On 09:27 AM 10/4/2003 -0400)
>
>In our group, we have a number of parents who think it is impractical to
>expect that young children (say, toddlers) will not yell and run.  I am
>personally baffled by the reasoning

As a parent and now grandparent, I think it is difficult for non-parents to
grasp what it is like raise children. Our 21 month old grandson, who is
being raised by two very loving and caring parents, is bright, exuberant,
sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, stubborn, curious, and generally
respectful. I love the exuberance of children when it is loving and
respectful. I worry if play turns mean or destructive. This is, in my
experience, often the result of poor treatment on the part of adults.

So what is left unsaid about the kids playing tag in the stairwell is
whether it positive or negative play. Also, how dangerous is it, really?
Adults have the conflicting duties to keep their children from harm, but
also to make sure they can test physical and emotional boundaries so they
can become competent, self-assured people. For me, the scariest part of
parenting was watching my two year old son climb on something he where he
might have fallen and been hurt. He was cautious, I had my heart in my
throat, and he was so proud when he succeeded. 

Kids can grasp, early on, how to be respectful and not deliberately
intrusive. However it is important for adults to create a climate where
children trust that serious admonitions have to do with the child's safety
and not just minor conveniences for the adults. In other words, don't cry
wolf. If I want my grandson to quiet down, I tell him so in an affable way.
If I see him about to stick his finger into an electric fan, I shout "No!"
He gets that I am "dramatic" only when his (or someone elses') safety is at
stake. The result is that I feel he respects what I have to tell him in
both contexts.

Mabel, let me make two suggestions to you and other non-parents. First, try
to really think back to your early childhoods and think about what you did,
how you interacted with your peers, and what good and bad things you
remember about interactions with your parents and other adults. Especially,
are there any non-parental adults you remember fondly? Second, can you be
like the non-parental adults you remember fondly for these children? Try to
interact with them in a way that is fun for both of you. Show them
something funny, play a musical instrument, sing or dance with them, go for
a walk, etc. Try not to "talk down" to them, use the same voice and
vocabulary you would with adults. Most children appreciate what they can do
and learn with adults who genuinely like them. And the emotional payback
you will get from the children is better than anything.

John


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