Cohousing-L Mailing List: RE: Being There

[Forbes Jan (jan.forbes]

Hi Liz

In Denmark a lot of the older adults told me that some of the children who
grew up there went on to communal living, while others who rejected it
initially tended to come back to it later on. I thought this would make an
interesting study.

I have not tried to quantify it yet but on my trip I gained the impression
that a lot of the adults living in cohousing had chosen it because they had
a previous experience of communal living which they appear to have found
rewarding and meaningful.

In interviewing single older women here, few if any express a vision of or
desire for communal living. If I raise it they're not enamoured by the idea,
however I've yet to come across someone 65+ here who has ever experienced
communal living, apart from Abbeyfield residents who seem to choose that
option more from financial and physical necessity than free choice. 

Whereas I'm discovering amongst my Baby Boomer peers there's quite a strong
interest and positive stories about communal living here in the '70's when
they were students, not unlike in Denmark (mainly student communes) and N.
America (mainly student co-ops and Quaker communities). 

Jan


-----Original Message-----
From: Elizabeth Stevenson [mailto:lilbert [at] comcast.net]
Sent: Friday, 19 March 2004 4:07 AM
To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
Subject: [C-L]_ Being There


Since it's so quiet, We're just gonna test the list and make sure it's
working and you're all awake...Plus it being an election year and all, I
thought the title was apropos.

What's it like to actually live in cohousing? You've read all about it in
various posts through the years, but maybe it's time for some fresh words on
this.

We live in an urban setting. Twenty-five units on 1.3 acres of land. We can
walk to the corner store, and many of us walk to work, baseball games, and
the nearest park is just a block away. Our kids spend most of the summer
bumming quarters so they can go swimming there. I often don't know exactly
where my kids are, but they're out there socializing and having fun. I'm not
a soccer mom, and we share rides to school, swimming lessons, and many other
activities. We have/need only one car for now.

Weeks like this week, when I *really* didn't feel like grocery shopping, are
easier on me than if we lived "alone." There were several meals in the
common house, and I found a hidden box of cereal for breakfasts. No
shopping!

I found out from a neighbor that my son has been taking the rules of the
road a little less seriously than he should. No more bike for him this week.

My best friend's (and neighbor) brother is suddenly ill and needed to go
into a convalescent home this week. There's not much I can do, but she
really appreciates me just listening. It's easy to be there for someone when
you're right next door.

But both of my kids want to live in the suburbs. Not in cohousing, either.
They want to live in a "normal" place, where they don't have to explain to
their friends what cohousing is, and they can have their own swimming pool,
and everything else that's "normal."  Protests that they would be lonely out
there, heck, that I would be lonely out there, fall on deaf ears.

I grew up in the suburbs, and my main memory is of a profound sense of not
fitting in. I felt in the depths of my soul that my family was the only one
that was weird. I was well into adulthood when I realized that there were
plenty of other weird people out in the suburbs, but that they kept it
hidden. The forces of conformity are very powerful out there. I like living
in the city. All the weirdness is out for everyone to see. I am with my
peeps. If I were to live in the suburbs again, it would have to be in
cohousing, so I'd know I fit in somewhere.

Here's what I think. I think that when they grow up, my kids will try the
non-cohousing suburbs, and they might even like it. But something won't be
right. They will be too used to living in a community of people who accept
them for who they are, too used to expressing opinions and being heard, too
used to not feeling self-conscious to start worrying about whether they're
wearing the "right" clothes. They'll miss the easy association of friends
and neighbors unafraid to ask to borrow a car, much less a cup of sugar
(which they won't eat anyway, right??).

And when they have kids, I hope they come back to cohousing, and I hope that
if it's too annoying for them to admit I'm right, that they create a
community for themselves and their families that's an awful lot like
cohousing. Otherwise, I'll probably have my grandkids here in cohousing a
LOT.

-- 
Liz Stevenson
Southside Park Cohousing
Sacramento, California
lilbert [at] comcast.net

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