Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Enforcement of co-housing rules/policies within your community

[Doug Huston (huston]

Ashland finally chiming in here…
Eris, I hope your wife is healing well.
I’ll say up front that my memories and ‘take away’ may indeed be different than 
what Eris remembers, or even what was accomplished - but here goes:
A pivotal conversation for me was one in which we discussed member’s typical 
reactions to being held to account in cohousing. To summarize, our historical 
experiences are often rooted in school, family, work, and primary relationships 
- to name the big ones. And frequently those situations were hierarchical. 
[insert feminist analysis here] Power was top down and often some version of 
punishment was the coin of the realm. As a result, when accountability arises 
in cohousing, members react as though their historical experiences were being 
reenacted. Indeed at times the dynamics were/are similarly reenacted by the 
member coming to converse, as well as the person identified as not following 
through with agreements. The different paradigm that we are trying to create, 
is one of horizontal accountability. Said another way, love and care and 
boundaries and limits and accountability can exist just fine side by side. My 
bringing to your attention that you are out of integrity with our agreement(s) 
as a community member needn’t be interpreted as shaming or control or 
belittling in any way. But this does require some work by parties involved, 
which likely includes personal awareness and undoing usual/familiar responses. 
Maybe even a second round is needed after taking a breath and reflecting after 
the initial conversation.

Another aspect of our work around this was reflecting upon what our collective 
values were about participation and work. Participation was broadly defined, 
and thus we were able to identify that participation that was most important to 
us was communicating and doing things together. So connection was at the core. 
This didn’t diminish the importance of getting the work done in practical 
terms, but it was a counter balance to those projections from members who 
thought we were especially preoccupied with physical tasks.

One practical solution that we arrived at was to have a single person 
designated as the ‘czarina' for our workdays. This provided more clarity, 
consistency, productivity and organization. She also tracks people and 
attendance, which with the resulting follow through increases productivity, and 
thus lowers resentment by those observing or perceiving inequity (as well as 
diminishing the guilt by those not carry their weight). In general, I believe 
that implementation greatly reduces problems that can reach the point in which 
members start to talk about consequences. And of course the buy-in up front in 
making the decision prior to the implementation makes a world of difference. I 
think that was a main driver in choosing consensus.

Our conversation about horizontal accountability helped ease the tension for 
both parties in future conversations in which we have held each other 
accountable. Of course we couldn’t undo centuries of collective baggage about 
it all - but it helped. As members have come and gone, we have also lost some 
of that shared experience and conversation. So this is a good reminder to me 
that we should circle back again about that.

We are a small community - 13 households. So when members don’t participate it 
is easily visible and palpable. I suspect that makes a difference. I’m pretty 
sure all of us here have at times wished we lived in a larger community in 
which it would be easier to just disappear for periods of time. Not that we 
don’t here, but we imagine it would be easier. If it is not clear, we are also 
quite flexible and accommodating. And I’m proud to say I’d estimate our 
participation in general is about 80%, though it is hard to quantify such a 
thing. But we have had rough times. As Eris might point out, it actually isn’t 
that hard to quantify. It does however, seem hard to get cohousers to track and 
measure it.

As I’ve said many times, I have consistently been surprised by how many times 
people who choose to live in communities react with some version of “I don’t 
want to be told what to do.” Sometimes it is probably a reflection of our poor 
process as a community. Otherwise, it appears to me more like a psychological 
problem than philosophical one. I guess given the historical roots mentioned 
above, this shouldn’t be a surprise. 
I also know that here I am on the farther end of generally expecting to 
subordinate (some amount of) my own personal needs/wishes/desires/freedom when 
choosing to live in community.

Doug Huston -  Ashland Cohousing Community (Oregon)



On Nov 4, 2015, at 6:02 AM, Eris Weaver <eris [at] erisweaver.info> wrote:

> 
> Jean Wilcox wrote:
>> Manzanita Village in Prescott AZ is considering a policy which outlines
>> consequences for people who repeatedly ignore policies which have been
>> adopted by consensus.
> 
> Mary Vallier-Kaplan
>> Looking forward to hearing from others including consultants.
> 
> Short answer: cohousers, in general, SUCK at enforcement/accountability.
> 
> I've thought, written, and taught about this issue a bit, but don't have time 
> right now to write a more thorough post (wife is having surgery this 
> morning), but will try to get back to it later today or tomorrow. In the 
> meantime, anyone who's attended one of my workshops on the topic (including 
> you folks from Ashland!), feel free to pipe in with not only your thoughts 
> about the session but if/how you implemented any of my suggestions and how it 
> went!
> 
> ****************************
> Eris Weaver, Facilitator & Group Process Consultant
> Founding Member, FrogSong Cohousing in Cotati, CA
> eris [at] erisweaver.info      707-338-8589
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