Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Zero Tolerance Policy

[Sharon Miller (slmiller.325]

Wise words, Karen! Thank you!
Sharon
Sharingwood Cohousing

Sent from my iPhone

> On Nov 25, 2024, at 11:39 AM, Karen Gimnig Nemiah <gimnig [at] gmail.com> 
> wrote:
> 
> There are a number of reasons "zero tolerance" policies get into trouble.
> In the end,  you have to decide between two options:
> 1 - have the policy and control the behavior of others through some means
> of enforcement
> 2 - don't have the policy and choose a non-policy means for addressing the
> behavior (ranging from requests to legal action)
> 
> Here are the challenges in no particular order
> - People think that a policy will prevent a certain behavior. That isn't
> what policies do. A policy gives the community a means of censuring a
> certain behavior. It can be very frustrating to spend months fighting
> through a consensus process for a new policy only to see the behavior
> persist.
> - The attempt to create a policy tends to lead to conflict.  In any
> community there will be those who feel safest when there are ways to
> control the behavior of others within certain norms AND there will be those
> who value personal responsibility and freedom and hate the idea of
> controlling the behavior of others.  These two groups will reliably clash
> around policy creation.  It can get ugly.
> - Once there is a policy, the choice to enforce it (or not) will tend to
> lead to conflict. Within a community and a given situation, some people
> will feel hurt or threatened by the situation and others will be
> sympathetic to the offender.  It's never as cut and dried as you imagine.
> It can get ugly.
> - No one wants to be the "bad guy" that enforces the policy and gets push
> back from others in the community.  If there is someone who enjoys this
> kind of work it's even more likely they will get push back.  Relationship
> harm can last years.
> - We tend to confuse zero tolerance for a behavior with zero tolerance of a
> person. We tell ourselves that we are intolerant of the behavior even as we
> think it's not OK to be intolerant of a person.  Unfortunately when a
> policy is enforced, it's pretty likely that the subject of that enforcement
> (and their friends) will feel it is the person that is not being tolerated
> - and that's not OK with anyone.
> - "Bad behavior" sometimes arrives with mental health challenges and the
> policy is now seen by some as ableism or disability discrimination. Again,
> ugly.
> 
> My view is that there are things for which it is reasonable to have zero
> tolerance. All of them are illegal or are at least cause for which a
> restraining order or animal control action could be requested. If someone
> is so far outside what can be tolerated that a standard for conduct needs
> to be enforced, I think it is usually healthier for the community to let
> the authorities do the enforcing rather than pit some members against
> others. I'm not saying it's a good choice, but maybe the least bad choice.
> 
> Involving the authorities will also be ugly and may result in some members
> being unhappy with other members. It is not a step to be taken lightly.
> However, if you think that creating and enforcing a policy that is
> primarily aimed at one individual because they refuse to do what other
> individuals want is going to be less ugly, I think you are kidding
> yourselves.  Controlling the behavior of other humans is always ugly and
> damaging to relationships.
> 
> For everything that isn't illegal, I think it is wiser to work on how
> individuals can set their own boundaries and perhaps support each other in
> reducing the harmful impact of the behavior.  Lean into relationship, lean
> into support of one another, lean into personal growth. There is more going
> on here than one person's behavior.
> 
> If you want to go the relationship route and you don't know how to get
> there, I could help.  It is part of my consulting practice to guide
> communities, or small groups within communities, in finding ways to live
> together when things get tough.
> 
> In Community,
> Karen Gimnig Nemiah
> 678-705-9007
> www.karengimnig.net
> Scheduling Calendar <https://calendar.app.google/ET3DvVyg9fyfSq6NA>
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